As the year is coming to an end, I thought I would write to you all wishing you a happy new year. I’m hoping that this year for me, will be better than 2021. I’m hoping my life will get better and that I will not have any setbacks or people being nasty to me. Regarding friendships, I’m hoping I can at least, try to reach out to some with an olive branch. After all, it’s a new year and a new start. I hope everyone is safe, and has a good new year celebration tomorrow.

Good morning. I’m a little drowsy after taking my verapamil, but I thought I would share with you a video of me singing. Now I’ve figured out how to do all this uploading stuff. Here is me singing Somewhere from west Side story.

Good evening all. I had a very good christmas day yesterday. I opened most of my presents today. I got some metal puzzles, as well as some biscuits and other things. INCLUDING some lovely gifts from my nan, who despite everything, is still standing by me. Regardless of what people say. I’m so glad I’ve got my friends from Liverpool and my supp’ort network I have now. I have really enjoyed my day today as well, but looking forward to watching West side story the original tomorrow. I now have the sound track to the 2021 version, thanks to my mother. It’s lovely that we’re both in touch now. I’m hoping that everyone has enjoyed their day today. Not sure what I’ll be doing tomorrow, but we’ll just have to see. Again, merry christmas all.

I just want to wish all who reads my site merry Christmas and a happy new year. So far, I’ve received 2 more new hand puzzles to try and do, as well as a portable CD player for my singing. I have also received some long sleeved tops. Thank you to everyone who sent me gifts. It means a lot. Virtual hugs.

Just to add another annoying thing to the list of things to deal with, It appears I’ve potentially stretched a ligament in my knee. Yesterday, after walking quite a distance to the cinema, My knee started hurting around the sides. I now am struggling to walk without it hurting. I spoke to the GP who advised ED, (Emergency department) which I refused. I’m not falling over and it’s not giving way, so I’m not going to bother them. Instead, I went to the pharmacy and bought a support bandage, which I have now put on. So we’ll see if that works. Thank you to the pharmacist and surgery staff for helping me. I shall speak to physio after the new year. On another note, West side story was briliant yesterday. I feel it’s better than the original, although I think the person who played maria, could have acted slightly better. I am glad they got the audio description working for me though, so I was able to hear what was going on. And be included like everyone else. Again, another positive thing. I’m just hoping it comes in threes, and I have done well in my latest assignment.

Good afternoon all! APART from usual tachycardias, I am feeling very happy today. I had a good time at mass, had some cake and received an unexpected present from a member of the congrigation. That touched me very much. I then went and had some coffee with my godmother and stroked the dog, a springer spaniel and her cats. I then came home and have just finished a bowl of pasta and am now listening to classic fm. I really enjoy that station. It’s very good for studying. What makes me even happier, is that I’m making people proud of me. AND it’s showing. I think this time, I’ll be okay coming off the citalopram. Also, on tuesday, I have a gp appointment and then afterwards in the afternoon, I’m going to the cinema to listen to the new version of west side Story. I’m so excited about that. I think things now are looking up for the end of this year and hopefully into next. Thank you again to the people who are still staying by my side and the others getting to know me. It means a lot.

Today was a lovely end to the year at lunch club. I volunteered to sing Somewhere from West side Story to surprise the members, as one of them had said she loved my voice and that she’d never forget it. I for some reason, felt very emotional today and felt my eyes welling up when I was sat eating lunch. Not with sadness, but some kind of happiness. Like something good was going to happen, but I’m not sure what. I am secretly hoping for one thing to happen, but I’m not going to say what that is on here. Only the people who know, will know. I hope you all enjoy this clip of me singing if I can somehow work out how to upload it in this post.

I have just finished bindge watching the 1961 version of Westside Story, so that I can compare it to the modern 2021 version. Oh my goodness! I won’t share spoiler alerts here, but why, oh why, did it have to end like that! I was silently crying into my tissue! I can see the tears flowing once again in the cinema! That’s happened 3 times in my life, or was it 4! I can’t remember. I think in my whole life, I’ve been to the cinema about 4 times. Once as a school treat back in year 6, to see Zorro, which was totally boring. Again in about 2003, or 2004, when Harry potter and the Goblet of Fire was released. I cried in that one, when Sedric died. Yep, I was silently sobbing into some tissues! It’s the music that gets you going! Then, the words, and nowadays, the audio description makes it a heck of a lot worse! You listen to films on the tv, or in the cinema and it describes scenes where someone dies, like in 1917, or, when someone meets someone for the last time. Or other scenes. You get the: He puts his arms around her, and tears well in her eyes, as she gazes at him with the moon in the sky above. Or something like that! And yep, that’s when you go! You sit there, thinking I’m not going to cry! No seriously, I’m not! “But without warning, the tears start flowing! It happened in Les miserables back in 2012, then last year in 1917, and now, I’m going to categorically say, It will definitely happen in Westside story! Good luck to those going to see it. you’ll definitely need a box of tissues! Especially when watching it with the audio description headphones.

After speaking to one of my friends from Liverpool, who recommended I go to the cinema to see this, I’ve caught the bug and am hooked! Westside story is a musical and film I’ve never watched in its entirety but This time, I’m going too. I’ve also decided to watch the original to compaire to the 2021 version when I go to listen to it. It would also be very good, If I could learn some of the songs and sing them with a tenor. Would be lovely. It’s always been my dream to sing with an orchestra. I really hope that can happen.

It’s been about 2 years and my voice has taken a hiatus from singing because of lockdown and lack of confidence. I sung when I was in Lourdes, but now, I feel it’s time I should get back to my singing. Although, I haven’t found a singing teacher willing to guide me through the songs, to get them right. I can learn them, but I would like the guidance on musical scores and things like that. And whether it would suit my voice or not. Hopefully, eventually, I will find that guidance and be able to sing in public again. Even with a fast ticker! Ha ha! It’s actually quite strange, in that having a fast ticker helps you sing when you’re nervous. It’s about the breathing. I’ll leave that there. Hopefully everyone is well today.

“After being on Citalopram for a year, and going between doses of 10 to 40mg periodically, I’ve now decided I’m ready to come off them. As well as this, I have to sacrifice one medication that is less important, to go onto my new heart medication, Ivabradine. This is going to be interesting. And nerve racking too. I’m just hoping the rages don’t come back. Mind you, I have my techniques from counselling this time, so I should be okay. It’ll be interesting taking 2 heart medications at the same time. It’s strange, because when I eat I get very tachy afterwards, I also get very tachy rather rapidly when exercising. It’ll be interesting to see if this changes. Gets better, or worse. We won’t know. Again, thank you for the support from my friends and my Nan. It means a lot. Thank you to my cardiologist, for explaining how to introduce the Ivabradine. He is a lovely person. Again, thank you.

It means so much when out of the blue, someone sends an email saying sorry. I’m a forgiving person. I do not hold grudges. As it’s coming up to Christmas, it’s a time for forgiving people. Finding peace. Resolving old fudes. Or at least, trying too. As a new year approaches, so should a new start. Regardless of what happened this year, last year, or the year before that. Covid has and still is teaching us one thing, life is too short to have arguements. Too short to fight over things. You could be taken from your family in a few days, due to covid pneumonia or other “complications. I don’t carry things on. When people come to me and actually apologise, I will accept it. When they admit what they did, or explain why they did it, then we can and will always work something out. I’m not going to ignore anyone. I don’t believe in stuff like that. I believe in finding peace and making up. This is what saddens me with some. They just ignore people when they try to apologise. Or acuse you of harassment. It’s about time we all forgive and move on.

I thought I’d treat you to some audio recordings I made when we’ve had some awesome thunderstorms on the isle of Man. Even though I can’t see the Lightning, I love the sound of it. I love the rumbling of the thunder and the amazing sound of the lighning, as it cooks the air! On days like this, I would have loved to go out to the coast and hear the waves crashing onto the sea walls. Again, another sound that makes one feel extremely small when standing at the side of the power of nature. Here is my folder of audio recordings. Enjoy me getting excited about the storms, all of which have different things about them. The hail, so bad that it set off car alarms in douglas town centre. The thunder so loud it clipped my microphones. Enjoy.

https://1drv.ms/f/s!AmWZohv2rTdZ-COGhidbh4xdH_pV

It’s a good job I checked my medication as to whether they interact with Ivabradine via the British National formular! Guess what? Citalopram causes a risk of a dangerous arrhythmia when given with Ivabradine. Verapamil increases your exposure to Ivabradine. So I’d be in trouble if I’d taken it. I just don’t understand why I wasn’t asked if I was on medications that may interact with Ivabradine? This is why I don’t trust doctors when they give medication! I was given Metaclopramide an anti-emetic medication to stop nausea which caused an acute dystonic reaction, which had to be stopped with Diazepam, which also interacted with my epilepsy medication I was on at the time! That caused my sodium and potassium levels to drop dangerously. So since then, I do the research myself! Why do doctors not listen or ask you? This is the problem with the hospital! They don’t listen these days! They just give out the medication, without asking you first! What if I’d taken the medication? Without checking? That’s why I strongly urge when you are given medication, always check via the British national formular app! It’s free to download to your mobile device! It’s saved my backside a number of times!

Since 2018, my journey to diagnosis of pots has been a rocky one. From being told in ED time after time, that i am just anxious, or that it’s my fault because I’m underweight, which I have been all my life and we still do not know why. Today, even with a diagnosis, I’m getting told as I grow older, my pots will go away. That is a load of utter rubbish! This happens a lot to us, according to dysautonomia international. Patronised, and talked down too, by cardiologists who think they know it all. IST is also a challenge. It’s also dysautonomia which I have along with the pots. It means my heart is always faster than what it should be. I was diagnosed with disfunctional breathing also, which the cardiologist dismissed as their excuse for saying I was breathless, but they don’t know why. I don’t understand why these people have to do and say these things! I felt validated by a cardiologist, who unfortunately was a locum, and now we’re replaced with someone else. It’s very annoying. I just wish more people were aware of POTS and IST. 2 difficult conditions to treat.

It’s not normal that I get affected by a storyline on a soap, but this evening, I did. On Coronation street, There is a storyline to do with a guy who has a heart condition: Or so we are lead to believe. Until tonight, when his consultant tells him he has Facticious disorder. Previously known as munchausen. Yes, I’m affected. I have constantly been told by people online that I have it. They are not qualified doctors, neither are they qualified psychiatrists. But they still think they can go round saying this to people and damaging them! To put it bluntly, people with Ehlers-danlos syndrome, a connective tissue disorder, as well as people with POTS, Postural Orthostatic tachycardia syndrome, are constantly being turned away by doctors. Told we are crazy. It’s all in our heads. We have facticious disorder. I’m lucky in that I have found a team of doctors, who actually did the tests, and came up with the evidence, which points to both POTS and EDS. But constantly being told you’re faking? It does damage! Lots of damage! I’m not just speaking for myself, I’m speaking about a good friend of mine. It’s horrible when we get told this. Unsurprisingly, there is a group on a site called Reddit, where chronically ill, judge on whether a person is “faking.” their illnesses or not. The group is called R/Illness fakers. When I went on there, all I saw was horrendous abuse! People mocking instagram photos, acusing them of Munchausen, Telling them they don’t need tubes, don’t need other things. Ascertaining that if they are doing what they’re doing in the photos, they are not chronically ill! Erm, excuse me, but how can you say that, just by looking at a photo! This sort of harassment and judge and dury behaviour, needs to stop! I really hope this group is shut down, for good! I have sadly found, that in the chronically ill community, most of them are down right bitches. Excuse my french here! I do not normally swear, but that is what they are! Gossiping about each other, causing drama, lying about others, he said/she said. In my view, people like that do not belong in a community that is supposed to support each other! I’ve seen enough to know for myself. I’ve been involved in some of the drama and it’s not pretty! THERE are certain people who like to get a kick out of upsetting others. Stalking their social media, posting about them in public, all over twitter and facebook, in order to make themselves look big and clever! Well, I’ve got news for you, It’s far from big! It’s far from clever! You just make yourself look small, embarrassing and should be ashamed of yourself! An embarrassment to the chronically ill community. Now that is off my chest, I’m going off to have a go at learning to play chess. I used to play but I was a beginner and still am. I’m still learning where all the pieces go and what they do. Hopefully I’ll get the hang of it eventually.

I was reading the news and came across this interesting and thought provoking article, by a psychiatrist Dr Max Pemberton. HE was asking the question, whether safe spaces should be allowed and why in his view, they are damaging to today’s society. In my view, I believe that we should be able to have debates on matters that provoke political responses and people should allow this. They should not, attack others, for stating their opinions, either based on facts, or theirpersonal views. For example, certain songs nowadays, are classed as offensive, or that people who have disabilities who encounter people congratulajing them, for doing something they did not think the person could do, are now being shouted at and called ableist. The challenge for me is how do you know you’re offending people, when no one explains things to you before hand. You cannot please everyone. As I struggle with social interaction online, I would appreciate it, if people could guide me in a discussion, so as not to offend others, without realising. I do think however, some people are too sensitive at times. Here is the article by Dr Pemberton. I hope you find it interesting and as thought provoking as I did. I may not agree with some of his views, but I found it interesting none the less. https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-10201259/DR-MAX-PEMBERTON-Safe-space-thats-thing-university-be.html

Winter is finally here. The crisp cold days and nights. The hail and wintery showers during the day. Hailstones that look like peas, with sleet that feels like wet cotton wool falling from the sky. Snow on the other hand, feels like cotton wool that is in balls, falling down, but very cold. I’m sat here, listening to the decorations being placed in the living-room ready to be put up at some point soon.

I had my booster yesterday, so I’m feeling pretty rubbish. I’m starting to come down with a cold. My nose is hurting as well. Never mind though. I do feel a slight tinge of sadness though. Whatever I do, or where ever I go, people are always stalking. at least I know who my real friends are. I had a lovely text from one of my godmothers, which reassured me. I know I’m not the monster they portray me as. I know my life is getting better, my counselling is helping. I’m gaining friends too. Learning new games like Chess, which will help me with decision making and strategies. Learning to think ahead. I suppose I can say, I’m looking forward to Christmas and the new year, as maybe, things will go well and I’ll hopefully be able to meet one of my best friends if I can. She’s stuck by me through everything that’s gone wrong, supported me when I needed it. We have both helped each other. again, thank you to all who are still standing by me. Thank you Annie. For helping me too. You have shown me a lot of good things, like the space-probe technique which really works. .

So here we go again! A new varient of Covid, Omicron, has emerged. Most concerning is that it has the potential to evade vaccines. The government are now ramping up their vaccine programme and have made it a legal requirement to wear a mask in public places. I kind of feel like it’s a dejavu. We’ve been hear before. Last year. The unknown once again. I’m not sure how it will all pan out, but I guess we just have to wait.

It appears I’ve been acused by some keyboard warriors of spreading false info. This post was related to laws and measures on the island. Here is the link to ourlocal radiostation.

https://www.manxradio.com/news/coronavirus-news/

I’m sitting in the living-room, with the winds and hail blowing away outside. I woke up this morning, feeling like I’m coming down with a cold or something. I really hope it’s not, because if so, I’ll have to isolate. Even though it’s probably not covid. I’m due my booster on 3rd december as well. I feel a little nasal and glands are slightly swollen. Well, we’ll see how it goes. I guess you just have to go with the flow. I will start my assignment later on too. I’m glad that they’ve told me how to do it, as I cannot do the EPoster as it requires images. We’ll see how that turns out. I’m also still waiting for the marks on my second assignment.

Good morning. I just thought to try and share with you some of the memories I by looking at. This one is from Liverpool this year. It’s of me sitting next to a statue. Of Eleanor Rigby. Later on, I shall be doing my wentworth jigsaw. It’s very thick hand-cut wooden pieces that all fit together. Should be interesting.

Yesterday I was very excited. I woke up that morning, had breakfast then went to mass. It was quite good, as we sun some of my favourite hymns there. I have them typed for me into a word document, so that I can read them on my braille Display, which connects to my phone via bluetooth. That afternoon, I was going to a concert with the Isle of Man Symphony orchestra. It was called from Russia with Love. I really enjoyed the music. I love the sound of an orchestra warming up. It’s almost electrifying. I have often dreamed of singing with an orchestra, but whether I will remains to be seen. Regarding Rachmaninov’s pianno concerto no. 2. I could tell he was what they called a manic depressive back in those days. In the music, the moods were up and down. Very interesting. A lot of composers and artists have been either depressed, or have other mental health issues. John Forbs-nash a mathmatician, had schizzophrenia, Turing was Gay and bullied a lot. They both still did great things. Contributed greatly to science and a war effort. The same with other scientists and composers of the period too. Well, I have submitted my second assignment of this module. Have 50% in the first assignment so far. I just want to thank Anne, Michele and colleagues for always sticking by ne, even with the trolls. Thank you. You could have walked, but you didn’t

So far this year, University has gone very well! I’ve just received the score for my first assignment of the year. 50%. I’m quite happy with that, considering I’m not that great at maths, but getting better at statistics. There’s still a neuropsychologist in the making yet! It takes 12 years to train properly, but I’m determined to get there. If I can help others with ABI and other neurological problems with me having one myself, I will do my best. I understand how you all feel, in the misjudgement department. How you are exploited and cruelly bullied. I know the tough times. The suicidal times. The times when you think, why am I here. Why are they all getting cross, when I’ve done nothing wrong. The times you don’t understand where you’ve gone wrong, but no one explains it. The seizures that make you feel so confused and tired. I understand those too. If someone came into my consulting room, feeling like that, that everyone is misunderstanding them on purpose, they were struggling with the whole brain injury and understanding their brain. I would help. I would like to be there in the early stages of neuro rehabilitation. To help them with getting the hang of holding things, speaking, and things like that. I kind of want to specialise in different areas. So people are not passed from pillar to post. I know how that feels too. Things like Foreign accent syndrome, Amnaesia, Other problems like epilepsy, savantism, Other speech and memory issues fascinate me! Greatly! Coma, Catatonia, all of that interests me very much! How people who weren’t interested in music such as classical music, before brain injury, suddenly become interested in it. Wow! All interesting stuff! I will go now for this evening, but have a good sleep and sleep well! Again, thank you to my friends who are supporting me through my journey of study, of understanding myself. Thank you.

Good evening. I haven’t posted on here for a while. A bit of a health update first. I have been for a DXA bone density scan. The scan showed that my spine density has decreased slightly compared with the last scan in 2018, while my hips have increased, so slightly improved. I won’t know the full results report until next week though. I have also had some fillings replaced on my teeth and also have wisdom tooth coming through. Consequently, my teeth are a little tender at the back where my tooth is cutting through.

Now for the general update. I have been reading all the comments on here, which mostly are pretty scathing, nasty and down right rude! I am not a horrible person. I made mistakes in the past, which we all do. The sad thing is though, that people just cannot let go. You ask them to stop posting on things, stop contacting you. Yet, they still carry on, whilst playing the card that they themselves, are being stalked and harassed by me. I don’t understand them sometimes. Whoever these people are, I feel sad for you, that you carry such bitterness and hold so many grudges. I hope one day, you find peace in yourselves.

on a more positive note, me and my friend Lynn, listened to an audio described film which always comes on around Christmas. Good Night Mr Tom, based on a novel. I love the heart warming story. About a boy called William, who is evacuated to the country during World war 2. He is with a very bitter man Tom Oakley. Well, we all see him as bitter at first, but as the film goes on, he softens, and becomes the boy’s adopted father. I won’t tell you much here, in case you decide to read the book, or watch the film. I warn you though, you may cry! I do, all the time! On another note, My friend Rachel, who has been there for me throughout Hereford days as well as rescuing me with her mother Getting me out of a traumatic situation in 2018, has recorded another accompaniment for me to a song, which I can now start learning. She is a very good pianist and I encourage you all to look her up. http://www.rachelstarritt.com

Thank you so much Rachel. You are a lovely person. Thank you to all who are still by my side through my good days and the bad mental health days. Thank you to the doctors and practice nurses who are still helping me with my health conditions. To the physiotherapist helping me with the exercises for my knees. Especially to my Cardiologist, dr H, for helping me with the pots treatment locally. As well as his wonderful clarinet playing! He is a very gifted person, with a posh voice. TO MY grandmother, thank you so much, even when you’re frustrated with me, for still being there for me. To everyone at the headway group. Thank you. Everyone still by my side, even if we don’t speak often, I have not forgotten you. I will never ever forget you. You know where I am if you want to speak.

I thought I would give you a little info on one of my medical conditions, which is an acquired brain injury, ABI. I was born 3 months early, and subsequently I had a brain haemorrhage in my right hemisphere, (side.) of the brain. I never really understood how much that would affect me, until I got older and things started happening.

It was 2018, when a neurologist who I was under for my epilepsy at the time, mentioned casually that I had suffered a brain haemorrhage. Wondering what he meant, I said “no.” “I think you’ve made a mistake there.” After going home and to a GP appointment, I asked him about it. It was indeed true. I had suffered a brain haemorrhage at a month old. The impact of this, would not be felt, until lockdown in 2020.

Lockdown and everyone was anxious because of Covid. A severe acute respiratory syndrome, or SARS. Its full name to give it its full title: Severe acute respiratory syndrome Coronavirus Disease 2. Also known as SarsCoV2. Or as we know it now, covid-19. Isolation seemed good at first. A novelty. It was new. Things weren’t good with me and my mental health. For the benefit of people who have only started followingmy journey, I was struggling with severe rage. They were out of control. Afterwards, my memory of the events was impaired. I could remember little tiny details, but not all of it. My brain blanked it out. I struggled with empathy. Struggled to accept when I was wrong about something. I still do even now, but not as badly I don’t think. The rages, though, had started back in 2014, however before my first tonic-clonic seizure, it was noticed by a friend of mine. I’d begun to shout at him for very normal things and not like it when he was doing them. I would become agitated, frustrated.

Back in 2020, I’d had enough. So much abuse and judgemental comments by people. Who said I was making up my brain injury, making up my epilepsy and other medical conditions. I was very low indeed. Ringing my GP, I asked him what was going on. He explained, that my MRI scan that was done in 2018, was clear, however that did not mean my brain was not injured anymore. There could still be microscopic damage that the scans will not pick up. Thus causing my epilepsy which would have aggravated things even more. He also explained, I have a condition called organic psychosyndrome, a condition usually found in dementia patients. It means that you struggle cognitively. My condition is different though, in that it is not neurodegenerative. In other words, it does not kill my brain. After learning that, I immediately rang Headway, who after a few conversations, allowed me into their Wirrell zoom group, which I am still in now. It is a very good group. I really enjoy it.

The problems I have are lack of insight, impulsiveness, egocentricity, Some behavioural problems in that I can be outspoken or inappropriate sometimes. This is all explained in the online leaflet by headway. https://www.headway.org.uk/about-brain-injury/individuals/effects-of-brain-injury/cognitive-effects/?fbclid=IwAR2kYFfSDwpj8C4LovJevtC5XIvve37yc00AFbQocOnMRkZYy9giS3zsoeQ#insightEmpathy

Please read this carefully and maybe think about how you can help me and others in similar situations.

Lately, I’ve been going through a rough time. My moods have been up and down. From happy, to suicidally low! Take last night for example. I was really happy, as I was listening to my favourites among the classical world of singing. Maria Callas, who was and still is, a soprano who I idolise. She died in the 1970s, but her voice is still admired and adored by milions. I enjoyed her singing but then, something happened last night which I will not go intoo that changed my mood from happy, to angry and sad in a few minutes. I went upstairs, to put my phone on charge and do some of my physiotherapy exercises. It was while looking for the band that I have to put round my knees, that what happened, happened. Afterwards, I was struggling. I felt a strange sense of pain. Hearing myself singing, remembering the concerts I used to do. My singing lessons. The dresses I still have, but can’t wear, because of my weight. It was painful. Very very painful. As well as that, I was hurt. Because the trolls had struck again! ; Imagining myself singing, was too much. I hated the sound of my singing voice. My nan tells me often to practise. I want too, but… They don’t ask me to sing, I have no accompanist. So, where does that leave me? I can’t learn new repertoire in the classical world, as you need guidance, when it comes to opera. What arias are too big for you, as well as what aren’t. Whether they are for a dramatic soprano fach (category) or not. The voice in singing has different vocal fachs. (categories.) Soprano, Tenor, Mezzo, Baritone, Alto, bass-baritone and bass. Within those categories, there are sub-categories. Soprano has Soubrette, (light soprano voice which is pure.) Lyric, which is my fach. A fragile voice that needs to be trained and taken extra care of. While it’s developing. It does not reach maturity, until 40. Dramatic, a soprano who is usually on the heavy side in weight, and tends to sing all the german operas as well as some high brow verdi. Like Aida. Of course, you have the last category, Wagnerian. A soprano in their own class. Again, heavy in weight, very dramatic hard timbre to their voice and exclusively sings Wagner. Although, they can sing other rolls too.

Anyway, after explaining all this: Here I was. Sitting here in mental pain. I really want to practise my singing, but it is hard to listen too. I was good: Very good. I still am I guess, but it’s the fact that not many people ask me these days, And… I’m limited to places, because I can’t travel on the bus, because of the roadworks going on right now. I’m also scared because of Covid. So here we are. I was sad, angry and just generally down. Why are people trying to make my life hell? Sitting in bed, I held my rosary. Listening to Ave Maria sung By Maria Callas, I burst into tears. I get how she felt. Betrayal,, Deceit. Lies, Oh yes, I understand that. Maria obviously had it much worse than I did, but I get how she felt. It’s like you’re a total mess and whatever you do, however you do it, just isn’t good enough. And I know in my heart I’m trying hard, I’m getting good university grades now. I know I have people who care about me, will support me and who love me, within the church family. I said to my godmother yesterday, Thank you for being my godmother. It’s very hard, when you’re constantly looking over your shoulders, metaphorically speaking. Wondering what damage the trolls are going to do next. But for now, I shall practise my singing, every sunday like I used too, then build up gradually. I’m going to learn the song we’re doing for virtual choir. I just have to try and tell myself that life will get better. I have my counselling tomorrow, so I’ll talk to her about things.

For years, I’ve been trying to get jobs in different places. I have applied for jobs in tech support, care sector, and many other areas. Nothing. One was particularly hurtful, when the owner of the company turned round and said they couldn’t ensure me. When they had employed a hearing impaired person as a carer. I took 5 minutes or less, to learn how to bolus feed. I understood a lot more than the sighted carers did. Yet, because of my blindness and epilepsy, ensurance companies will not ensure me. If you want my opinion, that is a load of absolute rubbish. Just because certain parts of our bodies don’t work, does not mean you have the right to deny people of employment. I’m studying now towards a psychology degree, with the hope of using it and a masters, if I go for it, to help people like myself with brain injury. I understand people like me, as I get the whole struggle, well, most of it anyway. I understand how it feels to be mocked, judged, made fun of. Pestered, trolled. When all you’re trying to do, is live your own life. To get on with things and eventually move to Liverpool and get some work experience, and a job there. I thank every friend of mine over there, for sticking by me and helping me. Especially my friend Liz. She helped me to get my therapy, she helpv me to understand different things. Took me round Liverpool to her Daughter’s restaurant. I could even mention my friends Helen and Angela, who both let me stay with them at different times of being over there. Helping me to try different foods and also to be able to sing in Mass. Allowing me to meet different people. Thank you to all my friends from the class of Lourdes 2019. I hope we will all meet there again next year.

I have postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome, ehlers-danlos sydrome, total blindness, epilepsy, and asthma. I am an Open University psychology student. Very much wanting to help those with acquired brain injury like myself. I hope you enjoy my adventures. I also have a podcast, and youtube as I am a classically trained singer, as well as an acoustic shooter.

After a few days, I decided, that I’m no-longer going to hide. After 10 plus years of writing a blog: Dreams in Darkness, i had to delete it, much to my disappointment. This was due to constant abuse from trolls. What are trolls? People who deliberately go out of their way to cause pain and suffering. Both with mental and physical health. Physical health, which is caused by the mental distress. All to do with the biological stress response. I shall go into that later.

During Lockdown last year, when the covid pandemic hit, I had to come off social media temporarily. This was due to my mental health, which I had no idea was declining severely. I thought lockdown was okay, yes, we were isolated in the house, but the sun was shining. It was fun, because things were different. We were in a period I’d never known before. I don’t mind change, but sometimes, I do not realise that actually, my brain does mind it. After I came off facebook and twitter, my mental health got worse. It got worse, because I was isolated. Yes, I had my phone, I could text people etc, but I couldn’t participate in the local radio station quizzes, as most were only on social media and the radio was really, all we had for company. The television was okay, but we mainly had the radio on for the government briefings and major messages that came through. My friend for 12 years, had just walked, so I was grieving. Grieving for a friendship I’d had for 12 years and had now lost. I did not realise how this was going to affect me, but it did. Severely. After consulting with my GP, who explained to me that this was a knock-on affect of the brain injury I susstained as a premature baby, (a brain haemorrhage) he came up with a plan: counselling. However, the waiting list was long and I did not have time to wait. I was struggling, at times suicidal. Wanting to self-harm, by hitting my head against walls, overdosing on my medication. I was in dyer need of help. In the meantime, I did some research, finding headway, the brain injury association. Having explained to them my situation, and how I was feeling, they put me in touch with my local branch, which was not in the Isle of man. They have helped me a lot and I really enjoy the zoom meetings. I also found a brain injury specialist counsellor, who is also helping me. I am still in therapy, as they say, and am also studying towards an open university degree in psychology. My main struggles with my brain injury, is social interaction and processing things, like boundaries. I struggle with them. I also have anger issues and lack of insight, in that I struggle to accept sometimes that I’ve done something wrong. It takes me a while to understand it. I sometimes cannot remember the full details of what happened to cause the wrong thing as well, so things become difficult. I am now on citalopram and have been for a year now. Without them, I’d be struggling with mood swings. I have made a few new friends, through lockdown. My life is slowly getting better. I hope. This will now be my new blog site, as well as facebook. I shall add the link later if I can learn how. I find blogging theraputic. I must go now and try to edit the rest of this site, as well as doing my university work. Hope everyone who follows me has a good day.