There’s no turning back now! I’ve paid for my entries. I’m sort of remembering that deja vu feeling of 5 years ago. The seriousness, the competition I am up against. The rehearsals with the accompanists. But this time, I’m not as confident as I was. All those years earlier.

For some reason, like an inspiration of mine, to go back to public performing in competition mode, is already filling me with anxiety! Even though it’s 3 months away. To put it bluntly, I’m terrified!

My voice has changed for the better, but I’m kind of having that old deja vu feeling again, of will my muscle memory let me down? The old worry of whether my mind will go blank and let me down! Right at the last minute. I know I shouldn’t worry about that. Tell myself that everything will be fine! I’m under the vocal care of a brilliant teacher, who has faith in me and confidence in me that I’m struggling to find.

I’m confident when singing in front of everyone in Liverpool. I know most of them and I’m not being judged. However, I’m going to be judged this time.

Every part of my technique will be unscrupulously examined with a fine tooth comb! Any mistakes, they will find them. Plus, there’s the fact people who will probably not find me the most popular person will be in the hall, listening. Not necessarily for me, but for who ever they’re supporting. But because they don’t like me they will no-doubt have something to say.

The people who I upset during my (for what of a better phrase, My breakdown) will probably be there. And now, I have to show them I’m different. Both vocally and mentally. A lot is at stake here, but not many will understand. Which is why I’m explaining it.

The answer to your question, do you get stage fright? Is yes. I’ve mentioned this in another post, but yes, I do. The rehearsal going right is the kiss of death for any performance in my view. As most of the time, that’s what has happened with me. I remember one performance I walked out, my eyes starting to brim with tears. I have no idea why. But they did. Another time at college, I was surrounded by boys who mocked my voice and I was very nearly going to pull out of the competition. But I only went and won it. The feeling of nervousness is all too familiar when onstage. It starts backstage. The heart rate is high, but it’s always high for me, so I’m used to that. The breathlessness and cough begins. You pace slightly while waiting in your room. People start fussing and altering your dresses, or hair at the last minute. The snappy edgy grumpy mood begins, where you push them away. All you want is to get it overwith. The tention in your body is so great your stomach is churning! But the clock is counting down. With in every tick Tick. Tick. Then, someone calls your name. You have to walk the walk. The spotlights next to you are very warm and you can feel the heat coming from them. But the room is silent. Waiting for you to sing. Standing there, shaking slightly, I take my breath, then start the piece. Eventually, once you’re past the first verse, you start to calm slightly. It’s sounding fine, so, you’re safe. Once people start applauding at the end, the overwhelming relief is palpable. I sort of stand there, buzzing! But with a slight welling of tears at the back of my eyes. Happiness though. I’ve got through it, the audience are happy, I made no mistakes, at least, not that I could hear. My technique did not let me down. My voice was not fatigued. I had no post-nasal discharge. But yes, if the day doesn’t go smoothly before-hand, I am very unsettled and that affects me too. So there’s your answer. You’d think we don’t get nervous before we sing, because, we know what we’re doing, right? Well, yes, but it’s not our ears listening. It’s the ears of the audience, who have paid to listen to you. They are who you must impress. They are who you must make happy. Give joy too! Hopefully, I will deliver this year, back from a 5 year hiatus. Thank you for the support from everyone who are continuing to follow me. Thank you to the new comers too! I hope you will find peace and enjoyment in my voice and my adventures too.

In the first few weeks of this year, I have learned one thing, that my singing is probably going to be part of my focus in life. I enjoy singing, not for money, but to make people happy. I am a huge fan of Josh groban, who I discovered back in 2007. His voice is very warm and I get the feeling he is a very sincere person. Talking of things like that, me and my friend of whom I’ve known for 12 plus years are talking and our friendship is growing strongger. Thanks be to God. I think as blind people, it is hard when it comes to Love. I will admit on here, I have never actually been with anyone, but I have had feelings for people. Well, I think they were. Although I suppose you can’t tell really. Whether it’s love, or you just feel very attached. It’s rather strange. I went with someone at RNC, but when they tried to give me hugs, or hold my hand, I was not happy. I wanted to be the one to give the hugs and things. Not the other way round. But there you are. I guess that’s why I’m very uncomfortable with reading our current reading material in my degree! It makes for very disturbing and uncomfortable reading! Not for the faint hearted either! I am hopefully going to get help from an agency called Ethical clarity to help me grow in terms of my singing and website development, as I would like to make it as accessible as possible to those who visit. I thank you for visiting this little blog part of it anyway and hope, eventually that I can label all the audio clips I have on here. You will notice in each one, how my voice is changing. For the better. The cold is not helping my Asthma though. I do love the cold weather though. The snow like a white blanket of cotton wool falling from the sky. The freezing fog like Glitter. The ice like a sheet on the ground that glistens. Rather like sparkling lights. The cold frigid air when you walk outside. I remember that from my school days too! The wintery landscape as you’d walk from one side of the building to the other which involved walking outside. The hailstones falling from the sky like small peas. i would be hoping and praying I could have a day off, so I didn’t have to put up with my support worker who wasn’t very kind! I had constant anxieties over her mood every day and how the day would turn out. The one thing that helped, was my music, and my rosary beads I carried everywhere. I would wear them round my neck. I still do when I perform in concerts. i don’t travel without a set of beads either in my bag or round my neck. They have such comfort, knowing that you are okay. I do get nervous as I’ve said in other posts. Although this year, I will be extra nervous when it comes to performing in the Guild! I’ve not sung for 5 years there or there abouts I’m singing two technically challenging pieces. As well as the song written by Lara Fabian and sung by her and covered by Josh Groban. This will be a huge honour to sing! I ope I will sometime, get to meet him! It would be a dream come true!

Time for a reflection of this year. It’s been a somewhat challenging year, but with some good that came out of it. I can’t really remember how the year started, but I can remember we had a huge snow-fall in February and it was so lovely to hear Nan so happy. She loves snow. There were a few other significant events, such as me finally being listened too regarding my health in different ways. The podiatrist saying she could see osteoarthritis etc. But most of all, me getting to know my mum, my father and my sisters, as well as my brother and 2 nieces! It was so lovely to hear my mum saying “love you.” and lovely to hear my nieces say that also. That is probably the highlight of my year, as well as meeting Lynn for the first time in september, meeting Phil Kelsall in december with Helen from Liverpool, going to Walsingham for the first time and meeting people who I knew from Lourdes too. Passing my 4th year of university also was a highlight. Let’s see what next year holds. Happy new year everyone.

Good evening. I have now started publishing things on my facebook page Samantha Ash soprano, located on the contact part of this site. I will still be updating this too though so have no fear there! I have enjoyed reposting some of my old recordings of me singing, but am looking forward to making new ones too. I’m making new memories also. My friend who was friends for 12 years is now back in touch which is lovely. We are talking and it seems kind of like nothing has happened, even though it has. In 3 days time, I head off to Walsingham, another thing I never thought would happen. Walsingham is a little pilgrimage village in Norfolk. I shall insert a link for info here.

History of the Catholic National Shrine

I hope you enjoy reading about that. I shall post more when I return home.

Good afternoon. I haven’t updated my site in a while. In 7 days tomorrow, I’ll be heading off to Liverpool, to meet up with the group who are traveling to Walsingham on the 1st of December. I’m looking forward to it very much, but at the same time, I’m very nervous, as I’ll be performing in the evening. I’m hoping I’ll be okay. I should be. People ask me do I get nervous before going onstage or performing. Yes, I do. Very nervous. For those who know me, you can always hear when I’m nervous. I have the trademark cough. I have start to cough about 5 minutes before the performance. I am hoping everything will be okay. Other than that, I’m waiting for my scores for my assignment. As well as that, I’m having very enjoyable singing lessons with my teacher and feeling a lot more confident than I used to be.

Good afternoon all. I have just seen that Angelina Joli will be starring as Maria Callas in a new biopic. I’m very excited to watch that when it comes out. She was one of my inspirations. I looked up to her a lot when I first started to sing. When I was about 14 or 15 years-old. I have many CDs with her singing. I used to listen to her every day and try to take notice of her technique. Like me, we have a lot in common. She like me was very thin in stature. Like me, her own mental health went down the pan. Like a lot of artists. For some reason, it happens. I’m not sure why. I hope, if I do get noticed as a singer, and I do become professional, I will have the psychology degree to help me and others. I’ve not really spoken about this, but I will do so now. When I stopped singing altogether, back in 2017, I deliberately hid everything. I stopped listening to my favourite classical music. I stopped practising. I withdrew into myself. I had dropped to 34kg in weight. I was angry all the time, tired, depressed, having panic attacks because of my studies and generally just heading into a downward spiral. And it had no signs of slowing down. I was speeding down hill and I couldn’t put on the brakes! I would watch videos of me singing, or hear people commenting, saying how I looked lovely in the long ballroom gowns I wore. That was painful to hear! I wanted to get back to that. But I couldn’t. My voice was quite good back then. I heard it and was quite tearful It was in decline by this time. I was tired, my cords were tight all the time. I didn’t really know what to sing or where For 2 years, I had stopped singing. In 2019, when I went to Lourdes, someone had obviously been told, I was a classically trained singer. They asked me to sing. Oh God! I thought! There’s so many young people here, they will hate this. My style, is not theirs’! What can I do to get out of this! There was no getting out of it. I had no choice but to agree. They kept piling on the pressure, but for me in a good way. But I wasn’t to know this then. I finally agreed and waited for my call. My heart racing, wondering how I would sound, the nervous cough took hold as it always does. It’s a trademark with me. About 5 or 10 minutes before, I start coughing. And a load of phlegm starts to build. My throat dries up and I have to drink water. But that doesn’t really help. I knew my call was coming. What am I going to sound like? This will be aweful I’m sure of it! I hadn’t really warmed up but humidity was on my side! The heat of the evening sun was on my side. Slowly and with shakey legs I was guided up to the stage. I felt for the microphone stand and stood in position. Now I had to impress. I was back in the performance zone. No errors; No technique issues; It was time to sing. Slowly, I began to sing. The room was quiet, nothing could be heard other than the sound of my voice and perhaps a pin dropping somewhere. I finished singing and the room erupted with applause. I was shocked! Cheers filled the room and people were coming up congratulating me. Tears filled my eyes. I was then asked again and again throughout the pilgrimage to Lourdes! I now have a brilliant singing teacher who is helping me to strenthen my voice, back to its former glory as they say. I have made the decision to sing in the Manx music festival next year, but I know that will be nerve-racking. Infact, I know I will be terrified. People have asked me, do you get stage fright? The answer? Yes! I get extremely nervous before I go onstage. Although one wouldn’t know it when I start to sing. Although they perhaps noticed back in 2012 when I sang at a christmas concert in Hereford. I messed up and lost my place in the middle of the piece. Luckily, my best friend and accompanist, who I still work with virtually if necessary, was at the piano and had noticed. She is blind like me, but we have become almost an all in one machine so to speak. She knows my breathing, and knows when I’m struggling! This day, she stopped. Inside my head, I was scared! What the heck do I do? How can I fix this! This is a total disaster! I thought, right, the only thing I can do, is make a joke out of it. I said to the audience, Erm, I think I can do better than that! Surprisingly, they clapped and a few murmers of “aww.” could be heard! I was surprised. But afterwards, the diva came out in me! I rushed away, with tears building in my eyes! I felt anger at myself, at letting rachel down! At letting the audience down! The scathing reviews if they’d paid for it would have been horrible! I headed for my room, even though people were trying to speak to me. I pushed past and raced away! Slamming my door via a shoulder charge, I dissolved into tears! I then walked into Rachel’s room and said I’ve ruined everything! Giving me a huge hug, she calmed me down, and we both had a cup of tea. I still think of her as my other part to the team! Without her I couldn’t perform. She’s like my 5th lim when performing! Thank you so much Rachel! I love you as a friend and accompanist! But yes, I know next year will be scary! I have to get on with it though.

My holiday was very enjoyable. I went to Lincoln cathedral, which was extremely big and very old. The floor was almost cobbled at times and you could tell it was old by the smell. It was a typical old church smell. The musty nice kind of smell, of the old wooden floors and walls. Unfortunately the organ was not playing, but that didn’t matter. We lit a candle for the Queen, who sadly passed the day we were travelling down to Sleaford. It was about 6:30 PM that we received the announcement via the television and our phones’, or rather, those who had news apps on them. I had kept an eye on the updates as we were travelling. It was very unexpected but I knew she was going to pass eventually. She was 96, only 4 years younger than her husband, the Duke of Edinborough. Prince Philip. each day me and Lynn’s mum went to different places, a walk round the little park beside the River, which was very low, due to drought.

Other days, we went into Lincoln itself and drove past an RAF base, where typhoons were flying past. The sound was something else. You could hear the burners on them as they flew bye. A completely different sound to that of the red arrows. After listening to that for a few minutes, we went back home. Sadly, Lynn’s mental health was not that great so I spent more time with her mum than I did Lynn. When she was able to join me, we had an absolute ball! We were singing, playing the piano, doing puzzles and trying to complete our Towers of Hanoi. A puzzle that requires you to put all the different sized disks on top of each other, but without putting the larger ones on the top of the smaller ones and without moving any large ones off the middle pole except when moving the smaller ones across. Sounds simple, right? Far from it. They use it in neurological testing as well. I will attach a video of me and Lynn singing to this post. I hope you enjoy it.

After I got home, I started to read my’ Materials for this year’s OU study. Forensic psychology. How people are treated when they are in prison where therapy is concerned. Where to break confidentiality and when not too. We will also be learning about abuse in all forms. That will be quite uncomfortable for me, but you have to learn about uncomfortable things in order to be a psychologist yourself. You yourself have to go through getting rid of past trauma in order for you to help others with the same thing. My philosophy is this. In order to move forward and past trauma, you must purge it. Get rid of it in the therapy room. It will be horrible. Uncomfortable, scary and you will cry. You may even scream and lash out at things. A cushion is a handy tool for taking your anger out on it. However, you have to exercise caution if the person is a risk to themselves. Therefore; one can’t use that form of releasing inner emotions, encase they try to do something with it. But yes. It won’t be an easy thing. But in order to move on, it must be done! You cannot let past trauma, what ever it may be, mental trauma that is, rule you. You have to let it go. Start a new life, a new way forward. Do not allow the trauma to rule you or beat you down! You are a survivor and you can do that. You will come through the other side. And when experiences make you think of the traumatic event, you must tell yourself, I’m not there. I’m not in that moment of my life anymore. That’s gone. I’m in a better and different place. I can handle this. No-matter what it throws at me. I will come through it.

On another note, In my latest acoustic shooting league, I have gained a Bronze meddle. My 4th one now since I first started shooting. I have come a long way over the past 2 or 3 years and I am very proud of myself. Thank you to the people who have helped me along the way and spurred me on. Thank you very much.

Whilst on my way to Lynn’s, I heard the news that the Queen was not doing too well. I thought perhaps she was just feeling a little off. We all have our off days. But at 6 PM or just after, we got the news that Queen Elizabeth had passed away. It felt very strange. I’ve grown up knowing her. Now Charles is king, It’s going to feel very strange indeed. You expect to wake up and on the news you’ll hear something about what the queen’s doing today. I will witness my first coronation of a monarch which will be historic. My nan vaguely remembers the Queen’s coronation. I wonder what it will be like? I’m curious to know. On that note, I hope everyone has a good day today.

This week I am preparing for my travels over to lincolnshire to meet 4 of my friends. Lynn and her mother, Alice. Daisy and her mum Nichola and Mark who is a long-time friend of Lynn. To be honest, I see Lynn more like a sister than a friend. I think I’ll probably see Mark like a brother too. Lynn is very good at guiding me when I need it. We also end up being daft too! It’s going to be so exciting giving Lynn and Alice their gifts. I love hearing reactions of joy when people are given something they like.

On a serious note though, I’m trying to rebuild my singing technique and learn some new repertoire so that I can once more enter the Manx music festival, as well as perform in certain places. I haven’t really sung in public much so yes, I’ll be a little nervous. I would love to be a professional singer, but would love my career in psychology too. However, there are things or rather, people, who are trying to hamper every bit of my efforts and it’s seriously not worth their while, because no-matter what they try and throw, I will always win. I will not be beaten down by idiots! They think they’re winning, but no one is interested in their silly claims. But they’re too silly to figure that out for themselves. Perhaps they need telling. But yes, My fifth year at university starts in October. It’s going to be interesting, as it’s a forensic psychology module, talking about how people in custody are treated as well as victims of abuse in all varieties. Not just that, I’ll be studying things like serial killers I expect. There were studies conducted in the past, detailing the fact that the amygdalae of those who kill are wired differently to ours. These studies were conducted analysing MRI scans and FMR (functional magnetic resonence imagery) It’s all very interesting.

As well as all that interesting stuff, I’m testing a google pixel, which I have just updated to android 13. So far, it is proving to be extremely responsive. The lookout app by Google is able to analyse images with text in them, which is also very good. I’m anxious to install IOS16 as well when it comes out, to hear what the different voices sound like. All in all the next few weeks are going to be emotional, but enjoyable!

I just thought I’d write an open letter on here. To everyone who has helped me and is continuing to do so. Thank you all! It’s through you all that my confidence is coming back. Through you all helping me with different things that I’m growing. Through friends helping me with beauty products and things teaching me I do look nice etc. My church friends who have now become my little family. Thank you all. For the past 5 years or so since I started to come to mass, then through my baptism, confirmation and communion. You’ve all stood there by my side, through times when I’ve been down but masked it every sunday. Been through the chest infections and asthma episodes all be it at a distance. You’ve invited me to walsingham this year which I honestly am touched by. I don’t live in Liverpool yet, but I feel like one of your parishioners already! I have 2 church families. Here and over there. I enjoy singing in the choir and enjoy singing solos where ever I can. Although my voice still needs strenthening yet as it’s still coming back. I’m not exactly sure how to strenthen it, other than using scales etc, but I don’t want to do more damage. I’m trying to find out if there’s an estill teacher nearbye or online who can perhaps help. But once again, thank you. To both my god mothers, you are very dear and special to me! You’re like my 3rd and 4th mothers! You guide me in different ways, teach me to do certain jobs at church after mass, like putting the dish washer on and closing the shutters. I enjoy doing that every week and would love to expand on that. Without you all, I wouldn’t be where I am today. Without all my non-religious friends also, I wouldn’t be where I am now. Liz, you helped me when I was in desperate need of it. You advised therapy, which I took. I’m still having my counselling with lovely Katie every 2 months. Liz, you are also like a mother to me and have helped me in so many ways. You’ve helped my nan too. Everyone I’m getting to know and am relearning to get to know, thank you! To those who I’m attempting to rebuild friendships with, Thank you for giving me a second shot! It means a lot. Thank you for acceptingme back into your lives. To siena, thank you for allowing me to do a radio show on your station. Once again, a heart felt thank you to everyone!

Good afternoon all. As I sit here in the sunshine in the garden, I am thinking about the first of 2 great trips coming up. The first is going to meet lynn and a few of my other friends. I am really looking Forward to giving all of them a huge hug and thanking them for standing by me etc. It means a lot. Me and Lynn are like sisters. We had a lovely chat last night. We didn’t play a game because it was too hot. The game is called Duck racing. The objective is to race each other round the board for how ever many laps you’re doing but there are challenges and traps involved. If you thought the race was straight forward, it’s nddThere are mines which send you back squares, homemade bombs which can send you back or forward squares at random. Other cards too, including a “suicide card.” that is used when you’re running out of little tokens (feathers.) It sends you back 16 squares, but you earn loads of feathers, which enable you to play some of the cards that trap or stop your opponent in their tracks. You also have general knowledge questions thrown in there too. All in all, it’s quite a fun game. I’m also looking forward to having a go at Lynn’s tower of Hanoi. I first came across one of those in preston. In a neuropsych lecture. The objective of that puzzle is to build a tower, without putting 2 large disks ontop of the other. It looks easy, but it is not easy at all. I can vaguely remember how to complete it, but it will be a memory sequencing challenge. I love puzzles like that, as it keeps the brain active. The trip after this one is to Walsingham, a little village in Norfolk, where you go on pilgrimage. I’m going with my friends from Liverpool. It’s only for three days, but will be exciting. I hope everyone is okay today. I will hopefully be able to record some brilliant thunder storms over the next few days, as it has been sunny for a while which is going to cause destabilisation of the atmosphere. Who knows. I have my recording devices at the ready though.

Last week, my friend of whom had been friends with me for 12 years, started speaking again. Yes, I was extremely excited to speak to him and attempt to act just like normal times. I do know however, there is a lot to work on for both of us. I do hope our friendship will continue to grow, but I have not and never will forget Lynn. She has helped me so much throughout lockdown and even now. THERE is only 5 weeks to go until we meet in person. That will be so exciting! I’ll be able to give her a huge hug! As well as this, I’m now participating on a radiostation, called sienaT radio. I’m looking forward to it, as the last station I was on, was quite frankly disgusting! All I can say is, I’m glad I got out of there. Being told I would die like Lina Zaveroni wasn’t nice to hear. To have my own care taken control of, did not sit well with me either. So I took control back. The people who were trying to control me didn’t like it, but I did not care! Eventually, I stood up to the narcissists who ran that place. It’s apparently still going! What a disgrace! I do hope everyone is well and having a good day. In light of a 12 year-old having his life support withdrawn today, I say this: RIP Archie. May you rest in peace. Grant unto him eternal rest. May purpetual light shine upon him. St. Bernadette Pray for his family. At this sad time!

Just to add to the post about Lourdes I made the other day. It means so much that people are sending me photos and videos of Lourdes. While I can’t see them, I can hear the videos. Just to give you all a little memory, here’s a video of me being anointed in the mass for the sick in 2019. I felt very calm and relaxed, although perhaps a little apprehensive.

On my old blog, many of you will remember, I did a 4 part set of posts about Lourdes. As my friends jetted off to Lourdes this year, I can’t help but remind myself of the beautiful time I had back in 2019!

I have those beautiful and treasured memories saved on my one-drive. I also have them backed up on a hard drive too! They will be memories I will never ever forget. The friends I made, the friendships I still have that are going strong! They have been for 3 and a half years!

The emotion onefeels when in Lourdes is extremely strange. One I cannot put into words really, but I will try. On arrival, I felt extremely tired and nervous, as I had almost fallen out of a two wheeled chair, I then fell asleep on the coach on the way to the st. Frai. The hospital come hotel where I would stay for the next 5 days of bliss! There were no rules, well, not like a hospital setting. I figured that out after a few minutes of being there. When I went in for tea, I burst into tears. Someone asked me why I was upset but I couldn’t explain! It wasn’t upset. I wasn’t sad. It was a strange feeling. Rather like a mix of joy and overwhelmed. I was here, I was in Lourdes. The place of miracles and heeling. Not that I was expecting one, because I didn’t come to Lourdes for a cure. I didn’t come to Lourdes expecting a miracle. If it would happen, it would happen, but not because I asked or prayed for it. It would be because God decided on it. Or because Our Lady decided on it.

The next day was the blessed Sacrament procession. This is where the host, what one has every weekend or day of mass when one takes communion, is exposed and you process toward it. This time, it would be in the subterranean basilica. As we were wheeled down the tunnel, I could hear the echo growing ever stronger and the singing coming closer. In our chairs, we were wheeled into a vast space which was wide and it seemed, never ending. The organ vibrated through your whole body. The reverb carrying the beautiful singing of both the soloist and the choir. I burst into tears yet again. I couldn’t explain what I felt, but all I could say, was this is beautiful. Tears flowing from my eyes, I listened and took in the sound and smell of in-sense. I was very moved and happy, but it was a happiness I couldn’t explain! It was beyond words. Only something I could feel and let out through tears.

The torch light procession was the same. This time, while singing a hymn called Immaculate Mary, we processed down the square towards the basilica, again wheeled in our chairs by the assistants who do a fabulous job, with candles in our hands. Holding the candles, we raised them into the sky in the chorus, like a beacon of light, that shone all around us. A never ending stretch of light! I can’t see it, but I can imagine it was beautiful. Yet again, my eyes filled with tears! I don’t know what it was that made me cry, but something did! It was like someone, somewhere was letting me feel what everyone was seeing. Through their eyes. But I felt it through my tears and my heart. Like someone was there, letting me feel the light, rather than see it. As if I was almost looking down on everyone from above. But I was there in my chair. Holding a candle with everyone else, raising it into the sky high above us. The sun set around us too, which probably made it look more beautiful and magnificent. That night, while there were trolls still trolling me on social media, complaining about why I was in a chair, nothing bothered me! I was not nervous, I was not scared of anything. My worries about that, about every day general things had gone! I was in Lourdes! I could let go of everything! Everything would take care of itself. The row I had with my nan the week before Lourdes, that was delt with and would be resolved. All I had to do, was have faith. My illnesses would be diagnosed in the future, my pots and IST, which we suspected I had by this time, would be confirmed and I would be vindicated. Again, all I had to do, was have faith.

The boiling hot sticky nights would be ended by a violent thunderstorm, which unfortunately I wouldn’t be there for, but the night before, as I went onto the terrace for the last time, a rumble of thunder. A storm I had been praying for all week, had broken. Our Lady of Lourdes giving me what I prayed for. I bought some holy water from Lourdes and since then, have given it to 2 people who I know will benefit from it. I really hope it’s helping them. God willing I get to Lourdes in 2023. I picked the name Bernadette in my confirmation for a reason. I love caring for people. Helping them when they need it most! That’s what you do in Lourdes! Apart from enjoy yourself. It was Lourdes that showed me I had to convert to catholicism and in october 2019, that is exactly what I did. My godmothers both stood behind me but at my side. They have helped and mentored me ever since! For that, I thank them! I thank my friends who I have met in Lourdes, for always sticking by me and helping me. Most of all, for allowing me to be part of their lives! Our little family! Thank you all and thank you Lourdes. I really hope next year, I will return. I am praying every day that I do. Here’s to Lourdes 2023 pilgrimage.

Good morning. My voice is slowly coming back. It seems to be a lot stronger than it has been over the last few months. My hips, back and knees are still hurting because of the EDS. I’ve really enjoyed talking to my friend Daisy too over the last few days, as well as my friend Lynn. Hopefully we’ll all be meeting in September, all being well! Last night, I heard the church bells pealing where lynn lives. I love the sound of Church bells! They’re so calming and lovely. Saying that, I would not want to be up in a bell tower when they’re ringing unless I had ear defendors on! Apparently they are very loud and can damage your hearing. The towers are quite high up as well: At some point, I’m going to try and climb the tower in Liverpool Cathedral! Apparently it’s very high! Thank goodness though, there are people who are still sticking by me no-matter what.

Good afternoon. This week so far has been extremely hot! It reminds me of Lourdes in 2019. We were under an orange warning there, equivalent to a red warning in the UK. Temperatures exceeded 40 degrees celcius. The heat and humidity was almost unbareable! Today, it’s almost 30 here on the isle of Man, where it’s about 40 in the UK. The humidity again is appressive. I’m thinking this year is an el niño year. It’s where the weather is unusually warm in places, where La Niña is where it’s unusually cold in the winter. If my memory serves me correctly, there are cycles of el niño and la niña every 4 years. I may be wrong on that though. I find the weather extremely interesting. I know one thing though, Thunderstorms that are forecast tonight, will be great! I shall be recording every one of them! Yes, as well as an acoustic shooter, Neuroscience nerd, and singer, I am a weather inthewsiast as well! I remember the trip I went on round the met office. That was brilliant! I would like to do that again, to meet the new staff up there. I say up there, as it’s up the top of the airport, but down south of the island. Some of the meteorologists I get on with, are still working there, which helps when I ring up and ask for details on the thunderstorms that may be forecast. They probably think I am mad! haha! In other things, I have passed my year of university with 57%. That’s a great score for me. I’ve also made some good friends, after they educated me on something I would like to learn about and that’s trans gender and things like that. If all goes to plan on Saturday, I shall be going to visit my father again and have a chippy tea with him. That will be nice. Sitting in the garden, if it’s not raining. But if there’s a thunderstorm, you can bet we’ll both be out there watching it role in! On my dad’s side, some of the family were gypsies. So I guess my love for the weather and things comes from that. They were gypsies from Cumbria and spoke romany. I hope everyone is coping as well as they can in the heat. Enjoy it if you can but stay safe.

Tomorrow I’m going to meet my dad properly for the first time. I may meet my other grand parents for the first time too, but I’m not sure yet. I have many cousins I’ve never met, some unfortunately are the people who have bullied me over the last few years. But there you are. It’ll be interesting to meet them for the first time and get to know them. It’s also good that me and my mum are getting closer as well. Who knows.

Sitting in the garden with my cup of tea. I didn’t expect the presents I received when I was at church yesterday. It was very kind and a lovely surprise. To be given a little rosary that you hold in your hands on your finger and a little miraculous meddal. I did have one somewhere, with the story about it but I can’t exactly remember where I’ve put it. It’s probably in my little box with the others that I’ve kept from my baptism, confirmation and first holy communion presents. Or it may be in one of my boxes of rosary beeds. I have quite a lot of them because I love the different types you can get. I always wear my rosary from Lourdes when I need that extra bit of help or reassurance for something. The first time I ever thought about converting to catholicism was in 2008 when I went on a cruise to Rome, where I went into the Vatican and bought some rosary beeds. I’d felt a set of rosary beeds in an R.E. class at school and I asked the teacher about them. She didn’t say much, other than they were for Catholics to count the beeds when praying. I loved the feel of them and wanted some for myself. One day, a taxi escort who picked me up from school said to me on the way there, she had a surprise for me. She’d heard me mentioning rosary beeds and found some in her house. They were given to her as a gift from Rome by a friend who had gone there. She knew something I had never voiced, my anxiety about going into school. Because of the support worker I had who was not very nice. That’s another story, but she gave me the beeds and I slipped them into the inside pocket of my school blazer and went into school. With the anxiety building. I just squezed the beeds in my pocket with my fingers every now and then. I felt quite reassured and calmer. Eventually, knowing she would not see them, I wore them round my neck and held the crucifix close to my heart. I went into exams knowing I was going to be okay. Knowing I could handle anything that came my way. When my singing adventures started, I wore them then too. They kept me calm during my concerts, and I wasn’t as nervous. I managed to get through the songs and arias with no errors. So in 2019, when I went to Lourdes, I’d just started my RCIA instruction. At first I was a bit dubious. Hmm, should I? Should I go ahead? It was Lourdes that showed me the answer. It was Our Lady and St. Bernadette that most likely gave me the guidance. By giving me a very good mentor, who is now one of my Godmothers. Yes, I went the whole hog and took two of them. The ceremony in october 2019 was a day I’ll never forget. The shower of welcome and acceptance was something I had never really felt for a long long time. The church has helped me and still does to this day. Through lockdown, I was helped, through some of the lows in my life over the last few years, Yes, to some it sounds daft, but I have turned to my faith. Have used my rosary when I was in bed, or in my room, sobbing uncontrollably and inconsolable. Have squeezed them almost to breaking point. But I’ve been calmed down. From the inconsolable state I was in. I was calmed. I was able to think. And by the power of prayer, and my own thinking, I was able to try and sort things. What ever it was. Yes, I’ve made mistakes, but I’m getting slightly better at sorting them. I hope. This year, I’m going to Walsingham. A place I have never been too, but thanks to the generocity of the parishioners in Liverpool, I’ve been invited to go. Again, what will I find? How will I feel? Will I end up opening the flood gates like I did in Lourdes? Who knows. I don’t know what will happen. I do know however, that I will enjoy it. I hope everyone is well and enjoying the sun. Have a good day all.

I had a lovelyday today. It started off with a lovely mass and afterwards, I went to speak to the priest. It was lovely, because we’d resolved a misunderstanding between each other and he patted me on the shoulder and reassured me that everything was okay and that it would not affect my ability to get to lourdes next year. Here’s hoping I can get there, if circumstances allow me. I guess it depends on the covid situation both here and there as to whether we’ll get there next year. I guess all we can do is pray. This year, I’m having a slightly different experience though. I’m going to Walsingham, so that should be interesting. As well as the lovely mass, I was spoken too by a lovely person from Ireland, who was visiting their daughter over here. He gave me a miraculous medal, which came all the way from Knock in Ireland. I asked him repeatedly if he was sure. He said yes. A short while later, he gave me a little tiny rosary that can go on your finger from a pilgrimage place in Croatia. I didn’t expect that either. I again asked him, are you sure you would like me to keep this? He said yes. I was extremely surprised. Three good things faith related have happened today. I’m glad. My voice is also slowly but surely coming back. I can get a few higher notes now, but there is still a lot of vocal fatigue. Hopefully I’ll be okay. I hope everyone is okay and has a good evening.

It feels so nice to hear people saying they are proud of the person you’ve become. I’ve been able to help my friends, as well as myself and I feel proud about that. In terms of singing, my singing voice has not quite returned yet. I’m taking medication to reduce the mucous in my throat and to get rid of it. In other updates, the battery has depleted in my loop recorder now, so I’m awaiting a decision as to what we’re going to do. Replace it, or take it out perminently. I’m sat here in the garden, where I can hear the birds and feel the sun shining. It’s hard to believe that 3 years ago round about this time, we were heading out of our first lockdown, but did not know we would be heading into another a few months later. Covid is still around and we should not ignore it. It may be like a cold to many, but for some, it can leave long-lasting damage. If you can get your vaccines, make sure you do. I’ve had a good counselling session this morning as well as a speech and languagesession, where we went over the feedback from the activities I completed. It was about recognising emotions. Only by the tone of the voice. I managed to get a lot right, but did get a few slightly wrong. We did go over them again and I got it right eventually.

This weekend, I decided to travel over to liverpool to see my friends who I had met in Lourdes back in 2019. I have done many good things this weekend, including going to concerts, being giventhe sacrament of the sick in church, as my singing voice has still not returned yet. I have also done a lot of reflecting in my own way when in church. People have said that they are very proud of the person I’m becoming. Sometimes I don’t feel that. Although I know I should. I do try. It’s been such a good weekend and I don’t want to leave, but all good things come to an end as they say. My flight back is this afternoon at 4:45 PM. Thank you to all my friends for such a brilliant weekend and to everyone new who came in and made it extra special. I do hope we all stay in touch. For some reason, God tends to make sure I’m drawn to liverpool. I have no idea why. It seems to be that I feel at home here. As I say, thank you to everyone. And thank you God for the new friendships I’ve made. Here’s to more friendships and guidance to try to build bridges as well.

Good morning. Yesterday was a very long day. An exam like no other. 2 essays that had to be written in 24 hours. I woke up and began preparing for the exam. I had my cup of tea, breakfast, then started. I tried but failed to battle through brain fog and fatigue, but after a little sleep, to reset my heart from tachycardia to a normal respectable rate, I started the exam again. I just hope I’ve passed. I spent about 12 hours with a small break, where I met my mum, who gave me a T-shirt with LFC on it. I feel lighter that I don’t have to do anymore serious studying for the next 3 months, but I will make sure I’ve enrolled on my next module, which I think is now level 3! God help me!

Good afternoon. Thanks to a friend, I’ve managed to bar some IPs from my blog. We have deleted the filthy comments, which is good. I’m disgusted at their dirty behaviour and I will not tolerate it. I will not stand for nonsence. I have had a good afternoon so far, doing my acoustic shooting. I have done very well so far in the first three rounds of the competition. We’ll see how far I get in the results this time.

Good evening. I feel I have to justify a few things here. It came to my attention that people were spreading lies about me online, again. I have never battered my nan. I would never do that. That is an untrue acusation to make and I feel like I need to correct people. What happened between me and nan which frankly is none of anyones’ business, was due to epilepsy and to the fact my moods were not stable at the time. It was also due to the brain injury I sustained a month after birth. Now I’m on citalopram, That has stabilised my moods. For that, I’m thankfull. I’m also thankfull for the friends I’ve made throughout lockdown, and also to my friends I’m making at Church. I’m also grateful to a parish in Liverpool for inviting me to go to Walsingham with them this year. I’m now revising for my exam in 2 weeks which I hope I will pass. As well as this, I’m learning more about my google pixel every day. I’ve recently discovered a few new jestures with talkback which are quite good. I never knew you could actually turn speech on and off like you can on the iphone, without turning the screen reader off itself. Thank you to my friend Daisy, who is helping me to get better at taking photos too. I feel like I would like to be more like a sighted person on social media, to take photos of things. I enjoy doing that. As uploading audio isn’t quite the same. It takes up more room for starters. Anyway, I had a nice chat with my older brother yesterday and my dad for the first time in a while. I also met their jack russell terrier and heard him wagging his little tail! I love it when dogs do that, or when they shake their ears! I don’t know why I like that sound, but I do. Loki, our patt, does it a lot! It’s quite funny really. Anyway, I hope everyone’s well and I shall go and drink my cup of tea.

Yesterday was a very good day. I was surprised about the amount of cards and gifts that I received! Some lovelymessages, from lovely people. There were of course the usual hate messages from trolls, but that was a minority. Including them telling me to overdoseand die in an email address that can’t be seen by viewers. Sadly, for them, I’m not that obedient. I feel sad for the people who would obey their orders. Purely because of their depression being triggered by them! To those people, who are being troll and bullied: Talk. If you don’t want to show the messages to someone close, like a parent or guardian, show a good friend. You are not worthless and you do not need to do anything that they tell you too, be it cripjic or not. Be yourself, regardless of their lame opinions. They’re the minority. The friends you have are your majority. Today, I received a lovely card from my mother and a birthday cake from Lunch club. It was a beautiful cake! Thank you everyone for the birthday wishes! Even to those who didn’t feel their best. Thank you so much. Most of all, Thank you to my godmothers, My Mother, my nan and my aunt. For a lovely set of cards and a lovely day!

Thanks to my friend Daisy, I’m getting a lot better at this blogging stuff! Taking photos and things. So here we go.

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Well, today has been a good day! I got 51% on my latest assignment. I also had a very good visit from OT. They have referred me to the rehab team to get my confidence back in cooking and other things, as well as a chair to sit on while in the shower. All in all, a good day!

I must apologise for the disgusting and down right filthy comments from people on this post. They are absolutely disgusting. For that, I apologise.

Good afternoon all. I haven’t posted on here for a few days. I just wanted to update everyone. It appears this infection wasn’t quite done! Woke with a temp of 38.9 yesterday, then almost passed out. I feel a lot better today and haven’t had a temp, so that’s good. I was able to sit in the garden, as the weather is very nice. Apparently, we might get thunderstorms tomorrow, so that’ll be exciting! I absolutely love them! Even though I can’t see the lightning, I love the sounds of the rain and the thunder. I’d love to go storm chasing one day. Chasing the actual big storms in the US, with a professional storm chaser of course. It would be very interesting. I still have a very good recording, of when I was friends with the american person I lost as a friend for 12 years back in 2020. It’s kind of sad to listen too, but good at the same time. He caught a huge crack of thunder and probably a huge flash of lightning and all you heard was the boom and the crack of thunder. Then his priceless hilarious reaction! It’s one of the best thunderstorm recordings I’ve got. I record them also. I’ll have to put a clip of one up here. So you can all hear it.

The following post contains talk of suicidal thoughts and depression, so scrole past if it triggers you.

Lockdown was a particularly bad time for us all. I however, didn’t know that my mental health was spiralling. If someone wasn’t happy with what I’d said online, I used to go on at them and not back down. Until they were backed into a corner. I used to get very angry at things and not know why. I would struggle with empathy and things. I still struggle with empathy at times. And have to have things expained before I understand them. The first fiew months of Lockdown 1, I thought, oh yes. I can deal with this. I’ve got Fb, twitter etc. I’ll be okay. But then, in April 2020, I lost a friend whom had been friends with me for 12 years. That was almost like a death! To me. Yes, I’d told him I hoped his new relationship between him and his girlfriend wouldn’t last. Because I thought she was creepy and he wouldn’t listen. It turns out, I was right. Anyway, Eventually, he decided to terminate the friendship. That was a friend who had stood by me, through thick and thin, as had I for him. At one point, I thought we would actually make a good couple, but sadly, that wasn’t to be. I started to lose other friends too. Another who I’d been friends with for about 6 years. Everything and everyone around me was just imploding. I was angry about that, I was panicking because I wanted to try and get those people to become friends with me again. I was making new friends, but losing them. People were blocking me for no reason, at least, I believed that. But they wouldn’t tell me why. It was kind of like everyone was rejecting me, one after the other! I was isolating myself and I didn’t realise this. I was having arguments that spiraled out of control with those I loved! My world was just imploding and crashing down before me. It was then, that a friend of mine who I met through another friend in Liverpool, suggested I have therapy. At first, I rejected the idea. Me? Therapy? I don’t need that rubbish, I thought! I’m not depressed, or anxious, or weak! That was for weak people! Were my thoughts. But one day, it came to a peek. I’d just had a very bad rage outburst and physically lashed out at someone. Someone I love dearly. And that was it for me. I went upstairs. It was nearly 8 PM, clap for carers time. Normally, I’d go out, but not today. Instead, I felt alone! I felt disstraught. Because of what I’d done! I didn’t know why I’d done it. I didn’t know what had caused it. The whole thing was a blur. People tried to ask me: What provoked it. What started it? I couldn’t remember! I couldn’t remember much of anything! Time had frozen and it was just still. Stillness except the replay of one moment. The moment I lashed out. The moment I didn’t want to be replayed. It was like a loop going round and round in my brain! The sound, the Feel of adrenalin! And now, the low hit. I was alone. I had lost all my friends and some family. Friends who had stuck by me for 12 years. Others who wanted to help me, but I pushed them away! SO it was time to end it myself. I thought. If they’re all rejecting me, then they’re better off without me. I had everything at my disposal. My meds, I could take all of the pills in my boxes. I could take nans too. I knew where they were. So… Why not. But something stopped me. Something that kept telling me no! You can’t do that. You wouldn’t have the guts. You’d feel crappy afterwards. People would be upset. Your church family would be upset. Your Godmothers who love you, would be heartbroken. Your nan would be heartbroken. There’s that voice, but then there’s the voice that said: Why would they be? They keep rejecting me all the time. I’ve lost friends, family etc. What’s the point of trying? At that point, I was in a conflict of thoughts. Between the rational and the irrational. It’s a case of trying to pull yourself out of the irrational grip! Believe me, it’s hard. THIS was before I’d started speaking to my lovely friend Lynn again. I think I’d also broken friends with another good friend of Mine, Daisy, but I can’t remember. At least now, we’ve all rekindled our friendships! But now it was time to ring for help. The next morning, I picked up the phone and rang the GP surgery. I managed to get an appointment. We spoke about my brain haemorrhage and that although there was no evidence of it showing on the surface on the MRI scan, it could be microscopic damage left behind. The GP put me on citalopram, and then put me on the list for therapy, which was a 11 month wait! I knew I could not wait that long, so I did my research. I found a brain injury specialist counsellor, Katie Carroll. She’s absolutely lovely. The problem was, there was a cost. Eventually, after writing to my local church, I was helped with the cost of a few sessions. The church family had come to my rescue, As I knew and know now, they still would. And I have total faith in that. The therapy commenced and I started to grow. I expect most of that was down to being lonely. Because of lockdown. I couldn’t go to my normal places, because of covid. There was the worry about catching covid. There was of course, the mental health issues I never really knew I had. Depression being one of them. I’m sorry to the people I upset. For the rages that we now know are part of the brain injury affects and the epilepsy. My neuro thinks they could have possibly been some kind of seizure related thing. Although he’s not sure. He thinks that because of the impaired memory afterwards. Things are looking up now though. A lot! I’m on citalopram long-term, but that doesn’t matter. As long as it’s keeping my moods stable and the rages at bay. Which it is. I’m okay with that. I’m building new friendships. Learning to trust people more. Building family relationships with my mum which is awesome! Helping other people. As well as this, Me and Lynn are meeting in september! I’m so excited about that! I cannot wait! I guess this mental health post does talk about loneliness in some ways and again trauma in others. It also talks about suicidal thoughts. And plans of suicide attempts, which thank God, I never did. Yes, I’ve been there. I’ve thought about ending things on more than one occasion, but I’m far from that now. I still get little blips every now and then, when I’m feeling down about something, but I talk to Lynn, and she helps me through them, by distracting me and getting me to talk to her. Our card games we play are also good distraction techniques when one of us is upset, because we have to think about where we are on the board, in relation to the computer bot. What we’re going to do, as well as the general knowledge questions. Yes, sighted people can play these games too. Just go too: http://www.qcsalon.net and make an account, which is free. I hope this post can help someone somewhere. Part 4 tomorrow. xx