life in the darkness

longish post time! And a trigger warning

People say to me: You have a beautiful voice! That voice sounds similar to Callas! I’m like, Oh. Thank you, with a nervous laugh! I do get nervous when Onstage, until I start singing. I seem to develop the psychosimatic cough before I go on. My confidence has not always been like it is now. For years, I stopped singing. I stopped singing back in 2017. The pain of not hearing a voice as good as what it was before stopped me. The pain of people saying, you looked beautiful in that dress. You can’t wear them now. You’ve lost too much weight. The other students and housemates at the university where I was at the time, stopped me. Well, the thought of them saying Shut up! That’s awful! I had that feeling in Hereford as well! Even in school before that, people would threaten to cut my hair! Say to me: My ears are bleeding with that screaching! I couldn’t sing. I didn’t want too! For that fear. Then there was the loss of weight, 34kg. Not my doing, the keppra I was on for my epilepsy made me that way. Even then, my mental health was down the pan. The fact I got into a cult. A cult that told me I would die like Lina Zavaroni, Karen Carpenter. All those singers who had anorexia nervosa! Something I had put on my records by the cult telling a GP. A false diagnosis. I was not harming myself by not eating. It wasn’t something I did on purpose. It was happening and I didn’t know how to stop it. I knew I had to eat. But I couldn’t! Because of some psychological induced thing that the Keppra was causing. There were the threats. The rages I had. The threats from the cult, if you don’t eat your tea, you’re not going out with the support workers tomorrow. The not being allowed to use my own money. The coercion into talking about vulgar stuff on live radio as it was after watershed. I was uncomfortable.

2018 and after I got out of the cult in question, I came home. The road to recovery began. It started with the rescue, done by Rachel and Andrea Starritt, my 2 best friends who I’ll never ever forget and stop supporting. Rachel, my accompanist and friend who I helped in Hereford then the tables turned. Andrea, her mum, for allowing me to spend time with her lovely family and her. I loved every minute. They rescued me from the cult, with the help of my Nan who alerted them.

The release of the trauma began in Rachel’s house. What happened? Music. I went to her piano. I just sat there and played and played, until I couldn’t think of anything more. Just notes, flowing that were forming some kind of symphony but I never recorded it! That night, I cried myself to sleep. A mixture of shock, needing comfort and anger at myself. Anguish because I couldn’t complete my degree. The trauma of being told I’d die like Lina Zavaroni and other singers. Threats and verbal abuse. Now there was the relief that I was out of the cult. The fact I was safe. It was over. I could be free. I wished I had someone who’s comforting arms I could burrow intoo. Who I could hug and just let the tears flow. Let the loud sobs out and my emotion flow. I was angry at myself for having allowed them to take me from University, having let people down. Having let myself down. It was a mixture of emotions. They were visseral. Cut deep inside. Like grief. But the mental pain was there and I felt it! I had been released though. Thanks to Rachel and Andrea. I was going home. The long road to recovery was starting.

The long road began. In 2022, I got my long awaited singing teacher. I have been working with her for 3 years. I’m blessed to have her. I’ve entered the guild again! I’m back where I belong! I have a fiancé who adores my singing, lots more support. My church family! I expect my guild family will develop too! I’m back where I belong! Every time I go to think of doing a job, I’m knocked back. It’s not meant to be. God has decided where I’m meant to be. Onstage, recording. Singing! My great Grandad, Brigadeer Buttler and Mrs Buttler supported me with my singing. They will be proud of me now! With their help, my teacher’s help, my church Family’s help, Nan’s help, my Fiancé’s help, I’m back. Listening to my beloved music once more! Opera, Crossover, people who I fell in love with vocally, Maria Callas who I first heard as a young child, but wasn’t appreciative of for many years. Andrea Bocelli, who I met twice. Lesley Garrett, who I met. I love them all! The film Maria, whilst it doesn’t quite portray her life accurately, made me cry! But not sad tears! I knew some of Maria’s pain! The pain of being tormented. Belittled. Emotionally abused! And not domestically. But from the cult! I knew the pain. I knew the long road to recovery, that wouldn’t be smooth! That would have it’s ups then its brutality of falls! Its painful falls. visceral. . They cut deep! But when you have some people to rescue you, including God, including our blessed lady! The saints. You’re lifted up, out of the water you’re drowning in. Out of the rough seas. Of the crests and freezing troughs! Onto dry land, where you can start to recover. That I have! And I will carry on! Guild 2026 is on its way and I’m ready!!! Ready to prepare! To put my whole strenth and being into it! I’m hoping next year will be my year!!! That cleveland in my hand! Thank you to the supporters who supported me last year in the audience and online! You’re all wonderful very kind people! I’m honoured that you supported me! I thank you a lot! It means a lot! I have just finished practising tonight too. I hope everyone has a nice evening and Onwoods and upwoods! Life is brilliant right now!!! I have my singing career to think of! The dream that I had back in 2008, to the present day! It lives on!! And I will fight for it to happen! I love you all!! 🤗🤗🙏🙏🙏🙏📿📿📿