life in the darkness

Was just looking back at singers from Britain’s got Talent! I remember getting the chance to audition myself. I got through the 2 producer rounds, but then wasn’t accepted for the 3rd round, which I’m guessing was the judges’ round. Now I think about it, I usually say that they never thought I was photogenic enough. But back then I was tense. I didn’t relax when singing. Or at least, I didn’t realise. Not because I was nervous, but I just didn’t. My jaw was tense. I didn’t know how to drop my jaw properly. I would try and try, but fail. I think because teacher after teacher would try to explain how to do it, but I never grasped it. Not until I had the teacher I have now. She’s bringing out more resonance in me and warmth than I’ve ever heard in myself! I also just looked at singers who broke down on bgt as well. Hollie steel being one. O my goodness, I felt for her. I remember watching that performance too. Now I listen as a more vocally experienced singer, I still feel for her. She was singing with a forced technique. Her voice was and still is good, but they were forcing her. I even now, worry about breaking in a performance. It happens to the proes probably! Although we never hear about it. I wonder if anyone like Callas, Sutherland, etc have broken in a performance. I will have to do some research. I have broken in a performance before, and did not handle it well! I never cried onstage, but I did afterwards! Infact, I behaved like a total Diva! The lovely Rachel, my accompanist that day, helped me through it. Okay, here’s the story. Rachel, I’m sure you remember!
It was Christmas at RNC. I had planned out my day. Leave lectures early, then head for the hall to rehearse. Unfortunately, my plan did not happen! I was in the restaurant, having coffee, which I should not have been having, as Caffine dries the cords. Although I can have tea which is strange! It never affects me. Anyway, I got a voicemail saying I was late. The rehearsals had started! I legged it over to the hall, unsettled and breathless, as being late, really unsettled me! I was now unsettled vocally and psychologically! This wasn’t going to go well! Infact, it didn’t! The rehearsal went fine. Perfect infact. The kiss of death for a performance! Well, in my view it is! If the rehearsal goes well, you’re scuppered! Your performance is going to be fluffed! Anyway, it was time. I started to sing with lovely rachel accompanying me. My mind suddenly blanked. I couldn’t remember the words at all! I stopped, in my head panicking. What on earth do I do now! I must go on, but how? How do I get the audience onside. What the heck do I do! Help! I just turned and said, Erm, I think I can do better than that! To my relief, I was received with laughs, clapping and “aww” from the audience! I started again and managed the whole song. Although that psychologically broke me! I was knocked to the floor! So what do I do? I could feel the tears welling in my eyes for the rest of the concert. I had to leave! When it was over, I ran! Pushing past people who were trying to congratulate me! I couldn’t speak through my tears! Couldn’t speak because of the lump in my throat and because my breathing was not controllable due to crying! I finally ran to my room. Burst in and shoulder charged the door shut! The vibration echoing through the building! I sobbed uncontrollably! That was a disgraceful performance! I was thinking to myself! If people paid for that, it was a waste of money! I take performances seriously, as if I was a pro! Even now! So I thought of the scathing reviews that would come out in the likes of the guardion, the times, the New york times culture section, the opera magazines. What would they say? Samantha broke onstage. It was a waste of a performance. Her voice was terrible! Oh and what else? I didn’t know! I then went into Rachel’s room. I turned to her and said: I’m sorry. I ruined everything! She gave me a hug and said, in her soft welsh accent and voice: No no. You didn’t! Again, I burst into tears into her shoulder! There you have it! An overly dramatic Diva side of me! Lol! But if I’m not careful, that can sometimes happen! If I do something wrong technically and I know it, or lose rhythm or words etc, I feel it. I have to try and tell myself, there’s room for inprovement! Carry on and settle!!! I still ring my hands sometimes, if I know I’ve gone wrong, or an accompanist has not followed me etc. I need to tell myself, calm down! Settle yourself! Stay still and breathe! It’s all about the breathing in singing! And support! Well, there you are. The anxious side of me! Lol! I don’t come onstage thinking, I’ve got this! Let’s do this thing! Bring it on! I always feel nervous, slightly scared and thinking only of my technique, the words in my head and the accompaniment! I don’t think of the people watching me. I can’t see them, but I can hear them! I know their eyes and ears are on me. Yes, there is pressure. You have to overcome that! Once I sing, that’s it. The nerves disappear. But I’m still concentrating. Concentrating on emotion, being in character, being technically correct. And my stance. I do know though, how it must have felt for Hollie. I’d probably have done the same! Asked to start again and cried when I couldn’t. It’s not having a tantrum, it’s the fact you know you made a mistake. You want to correct it so badly. And people know what happened. You’re exposed everywhere! You want to eraise that from their memory, but it won’t ever be. And you know it. I remember going into the hall for a recital back in RNC days. My eyes almost welling with tears. Because, who is watching? The Unidentifiables? The ones who constantly made fun of me and my singing? Their friends? I don’t think of that nowadays. If they hate it, take a run and jump. There are lots who don’t! If you don’t like my voice? The door is there. Exit! There you are. Lol! On that note, I’m sitting in the garden, with a weather alert of showers going off. Hopefully I don’t get rained on!!! I’m going to continue watching the film about Callas later with Nan! A harsh voice, but an inspirational one! She had strenth. She had determination and also an attitude. ERM, Rather like mine in the early days of my singing. Lol! Thank the lord that’s disappeared. Well, I hope it has anyway! Have a good day all! God bless! xx