life in the darkness

Hello all. Here are some more extracts from my autobiography attempt. I started writing this years ago. I do hope you enjoy. Yes, I would still love to get noticed as a singer. Here is how I felt back then. You will notice my love for opera which I still have. Also note, my writing style changes.

Part one: Written in 2009.

On the 28th of June 2009 I sang Ave Maria in St George’s church in Douglas.
When I went up to sing my heart started hammering in my chest.
It stopped as soonas I started singing.
You could hear a pin drop, the room was suddenly so silent.
When I’d finished the applause was so loud.
It was so lovely.
I was nearly crying.
My nana was in tears nearly too.
Now I have found myself a proper teacher on the Isle of Man so I do not have to use the one on the laptop.
I wonder, Will I have found the key to open the door to my dream? The door to the stage.
The door to world wide tours.
If so now I just have to find the right key.
And slowly climb up the staircase to my dream.
It will come with hard work my nana keeps telling me.
I know that.
Hard work and dedication.
Doing voice exercises and resting your voice before lessons and concerts.
Also having honey before you sing.
No lemon, Just honey.
Resting your voice means silence.
I found that out in Andrea’s autobiography.
Silence, not even speaking to anyone unless you really have to.
Drinking plenty of water and staying off caffeine because it dryas the vocal cords.
So there you go, there is the list of things singers have to do also people learning to sing have to do it too.
I am learning to sing, so I have to do it.
All of it in order, for me to reach my dream.

Have I found the correct teacher?

The singing lessons commenced.
I was taught the Italian vowels, singing words, like Maria to open my vocal cords.
I was told, if you co-operate with your vocal cords, they will co-operate with you.
Your voice will tell you how much air you need when you are singing.
Your voice doesn’t mature until you are about thirty years old.

So, I have finally found the teacher I was looking for, I thought I had.
The one who could help me.
The one who could help me towards my dream.
Singing with Andrea Bocelli.

My vocal teacher wanted to discuss my future for singing.
She is going to talk with my nana about me going to music college to study singing.
In four years time.
Little did I know, however, my voice was about to take a risky move which would push it in to dangerous territory.

Chapter 7
A vocal nightmare.
There are only two days to go until I am doing another concert in the same church.
I have been rehearsing and things were not going very well.
On the day, my heart will be racing and all the adrenalin will be there once more.? The feeling that everything is magnified, the feeling of your heart hammering in your chest, in your ears and your throat.
Then you take the first breath, calm is restored once more.
then, if you have to hit a high note, the adrenalin returns.
once you do it calm, is then restored.
When the audience applaud, your heart suddenly pounds with happiness, because you have done it, you have achieved it.
Afterwards, if you are asked again, the pressure mounts because you have to do better than you did the first time.
It is the eve of the concert.
I now have to remain silent all day if i can and again tomorrow.
Now we will see how Andrea has inspired me when I perform.
This time, I will have to sing four songs.
There is more pressure, pressure to do well.
So now we wait.
Now tomorrow will tell us whether I’ve done it.
So here we are.
Today is the day.
I haven’t been speaking to anyone and my voice is on good form.
So now we shall see.
We shall see.
The time is ticking.
I am now waiting for my vocal teacher to come and get me ready.
The concert is for the royal artillery.
I was asked to participate in it.
So the hours are ticking bye and the adrenaline is starting to return.
My inspiration has wished me luck, so now I have to not only impress the audience, I have to impress him as well.
I went up to sing my first songs, they went well.
By the time I went to sing my last two songs, things took a turn for the worst.
I started to sing AvE Maria, but I had started without relaxing myself, without breathing deeply, and that messed up the first few notes, causing me to start panicking.
My vocal cords had had enough.
My voice cracked.
i started to struggle and tense up.
i was worried.
My voice was cracking in live concert.
i felt humiliated, defeated.
i felt I no longer had confidence.
i could not do it.
I could not sing properly.
What was happening! What was going on! Tell me! Tell me! Please! Tell me! Help me! Please! I no longer felt any use.
What was happening to me! What was happening to my voice! why was it cracking! Why! Why in live concert! I wished Andrea could be there.
I needed him, needed him there to calm me and help me through it.
No one was there though.
As i continued, my voice was getting worse.
My diaphragm wasn’t supporting me.
Why was this happening in front of a live audience! Help me please! Someone! Help me! My heart pounding, my hands clenching, a voice told me come on! Pull yourself together! Get back on track! Get back on track! I argued with this voice, I can’t! I can’t! It’s getting worse! My throat is sore, my voice is making this grinding sound, when I hit high notes! I knew I had to.
With what courage and strength my vocal cords had left, I struggled on, with my hopes fading and this nightmare getting even worse.
My breathing increasing in speed slightly, between songs, I tried to relax, but I could not.
My knees were shaking, my heart was pounding.
I thought, “Someone save me! Save me from this nightmare! I can’t go on! I can’t! I can’t do this! My voice is breaking, my throat is sore, goodness knows, how it sounds and the audience, what are they thinking? The echoes are making it worse! They will not be enjoying it! Not at all!” My knees were becoming tense, my hands started to become tense, I was ringing them like a sponge.
From one fist, to the other and digging my nails in.
My throat felt as dry as anything, dry with pure fright, panic and worry over what was happening, with my voice.
I knew it.
My fears came true.
Fears of my voice cracking.
Fears that this concert wouldn’t go well.
I needed someone to help me but time was running out.
It was too late.
When I got home I burst in to tears.
I knew it was horrendous.
I knew I could have done better.
I felt utterly defeated.

Why was this happening now!! Why! All I could do was to sit and rest my voice, a voice which felt hard, rough, tired, tense, sore and completely drained of energy and support.
Still I could not contain my emotions.
I felt silly.
I felt I had done utterly horrendous.
The thought of it was still there when my vocal teacher reminded me of it on the day of my singing lesson, which also happened to be the day of my GCSE, General Certificate of Secondary Education Examination results.
I started to get stressed out in my singing lesson which was no good for my voice.
It was tired, getting even more tense, sore, stretched slightly, I don’t know how to describe it.
How do you describe a voice which is, unknowns to me, is being unsettled and in a dangerous place.
I did know though, it was getting worse which was not helping.

This was written just before I had found my vocal teachers in Italy, who as you will see in the next part, were a lot stricter and caused my voice to undergo radical changes and developmental changes.

Potential damage.

I started to get worried because my voice was cracking.
I couldn’t do my vocal exercises.
What was going on? Had I damaged my voice? What had I done! No! No not this no please! Why was my voice going from one place to another! Why was my throat dry and sore! Why couldn’t I reach my usual high notes! Also, my throat felt sore, tight, tense, hard, I could not sing without my voice breaking.
It knocked my confidence.
When I was singing, my voice would crack and immediately, I would tense up.
My breathing would get slightly faster. Why is this happening? Tell me!! Please, what is going on! What is it? I sometimes felt my heart racing and I was shaking with that feeling something is wrong.
Something is wrong.
Also, My diaphragm would not work properly.
Had my vocal teacher damaged my voice? I knew something was wrong but did not want to admit it to myself.
Part of me was saying It is just your voice maturing.
It will get better, but, it did not get better, it got worse.
I was crying.
I did not want to sing, for fear of the strong criticism and the fact, that I knew, my voice was getting worse.
It caused disputes and me and my nana had rows.
Why! Why! Why! What could I do! I needed desperate help.
Someone with classical experience! There was no-one.
Someone please! Help me! Save my voice from damage! My voice was cracking all the time.
Sometimes I wondered, what is the point! I cannot do it! I cannot handle this anymore! What has happened to me! Tell me! Please! Then the biggest thing of the night happened.
I rang my friends on Skype.
I told them I was worried and stressed.
They agreed to help me.
They are Italian and they run a music school in Italy…
They told me that my voice was not settled and that they would help me to sing.
I was so happy.
Finally after a year of trying I found the right person.
So without waiting I eagerly began the breathing and vocal exercises which are called the Vaccai method, which I have studied briefly.
It settles the voice in the right place.
We are meeting every night and my voice is improving and feeling better every day.
I might have made a breakthrough with nana pleading with her to let me study with them in Italy she said see how it goes.
So I might have done it after all.
We’ll soon know.
It’s annoying when you have someone going on saying they’d be worried or that I am not old enough or that I do not have the independence.
My voice has improved according to my lovely Italian singing teachers on Skype.
Now, definitely I think i really will succeed.
.
Persuasion is the way to go.
I have had a breakthrough.
My nana said I could go to see my Italian teachers in Genova when I am seventeen years old.
I’m so happy it is all working out.
However, my teachers on Skype, strongly advised me not to do the concert on the fourth of October.
I feel awful about letting them down.
But it’s for the best.
I want the best for my voice which is in the critical stage of growing still and needs to recover from what damage and unsettling it has had.
Also, it needs to be moved again back to the right position.

there you see me trying hard to discipline myself. I am still hoping to this day, I do get heard. My teacher I have now, Adrienne, is brillient. My voice now is a lot stronger and more mature. I am able to sing the likes of some Verdi and Puccini. My inspiration is still though, Maria Callas. La Devina. We both have a lot in common. She was the same kind of weight as me. Quite a fierce independent lady. I am also the same. I do get stage fright I suppose you could say. The thing you will notice with me is the cough. I also get snappy and on edge. When the time comes to sing though, It goes. I can relax. I hope you enjoy these little extracts. More will come. I am singing in the Manx Music festival this year too. This time though, My Fiance will be listening. He like me, loves his opera and older singers. I cannot wait to hear his verdict.