life in the darkness

Well good evening. Today I was okay, until someone said I was addicted” to hospitals. No, That isn’t true. I don’t like having to have tests done, but they have to be. I do have chronic illnesses. Epilepsy is a chronic illness, that comes not just with seizures, but emotional side effects too, from medication and from my brain in general. I have POTS, and IST, which both cause tachycardia as well as syncope and tiredness. Asthma is also a chronic illness, which gets flared up by chest infections, stress and excitement, as well as the weather. Because of what the trolls did to me, messing with my head, telling me I was making my illnesses up, so much that I even sent them copies of my consultant letters to prove otherwise. It marks me. Am I a weirdow for being genuinely interested in medicine and medical stuff, since the age of about 6. Or as long as I can remember? Does that mean I’m making up my illnesses and brain injury? No, but because I’ve been told so much I am, it triggers that cycle of thoughts in my brain. Do I enjoy the tests? No, because you don’t know what the results are going to be, from an interest stand-point, yes, as I get to learn and be educated. Ense why I never view a hospital visit as scary or nerve racking. Because the fact I’m being educated is a distraction. I know it’s easy for me to say to others to do that, as most of my experiences have been relatively good ones. Except the ones in ED and MAU that time. MAU stands for medical admitions unit. I’ve had doctors with appalling attitudes. Doctors who don’t know how to fill in forms or even that I have no vision and still want to test my vision levels on eye charts. When I was younger, I had some brilliant doctors. The medical doctor at school, I think her name was Stuvay. Eva or Rebecca. Something like that. I remember she was lovely. The nurse in the hospital Elva was lovely. She always used to tell me what was going on and how stuff worked. She left after a while, but I’ll never forget her My first ever GP, who is now retired is still in touch with me. Again, a doctor I will never forget. brilliant with me. My first ever opthalmologist, Jim Travers, I will never forget. I wish I could get a message to him, to say hello and ask how he is now. We always used to talk about things and he would explain my eyes to me and what they were like. How they never will react to light. That was a blow, as I once thought they did, but no, they don’t. My reaction to light is the reaction to heat. It’s not the actual light my eyes are reacting too, but the feeling of the heat going through them. I have nystagmus but not due to vision, but due to the fact my eyes always move. They never really stay still. But yes, some of the doctors in the past were brilliant. Yes, I’ve mentioned a few names, but in the hope someone sees and passes the message on. My first paediatrician I also remember. He let me feel his dictaphone, a recording device, which he let me press the buttons on and record his voice. Ai also had a paediatrician who was a female and was very kind and helped me with an ear infection I had. Yes, my view of the NHS is good, but as the years have gone on, I’ve noticed changes. I think it just depends on who you get. Some people will be willing to think out of the box, like my neurologist and cardiologist in London, as well as the opthalmology team in Liverpool. However others won’t. I guess it’s who you know. I hope everyone is okay. Thank you for reading, and if any of the doctos/nurses from my past see this, thank you for your help and for educating me. For being very kind and friendly. I hope I can somehow find you just to thank you by voice.

Fastforward to today, I haven’t given up on the idea of becoming a doctor. I’m hoping to go to the US eventually and study medicine over there. I am aware someone is studying it in the UK, however it’s whether the NHS would be willing to think out of the box. I very much doubt they will. Charities have not even bothered to think out of the box for me either. Defibs talk. Why can I not learn to use them? For me, cardio-respiratory is good as is intensive care and trauma teams. I enjoy the fast pace but I also enjoy helping people and would enjoy being able to diagnose their problems both cardiac and respiratory. Yes, there are things you may have to see, the likes of a bronchoscopy, but they can be adapted. You can have an assistant and with the likes of thermoform paper and 3D printing, there is the ability to adapt things, as well as sonar and vibration. I have my own stethoscope, my own blood pressure monitor, my own thermometer as well as an SpO2 monitor. All of which talk. All of which I got through main-stream shopping. Via a pharmacy and amazon. The only one I got from RNIB was the thermometer. If the likes of Tim Cordes and a few before him, as well as Dr Jakob bolotin could do it, why can’t I?