life in the darkness

The royal liverpool hospital. The opthalmology unit. A huge vast atrium, with people walking too and from. The smell of coffee and food wofting all around me. The jingling noise of the beeping telling people where to go as well as peoples’ names being called. Then, my name was called. Off we went, into a smaller room, where I was weighed and my height measured. A scan was taken of my cornier. In both eyes. Eventually, I was brought to the consultant. A very nice person, who explained the operation I will have. The removal of calcium from both eyes. It will not bring the sight back that I originally had as a very small baby, which I knew, but it will make my eyes more comfortable. Eventually I went for the pre-op, having met a lovely nurse called Andrea. She said she would come to see me when I was admitted to hospital. We are not sure of the date yet.

Afterwards we went for lunch. This was on the 10th floor of the building. The view was apparently fantastic. I wish I was able to see views from high places and the view of the sunrise and sunset from up in a plane. The curry I had was lovely. Butter chicken. Later we headed for the airport with the very good taxi driver mark. I was talking to him about lourdes. He said he had two sets of Rosary beads from different places in the front of his car above the drivers seat. When we arrived at the airport, he let me feel them. What are the chances of this? The first set of rosary beads I felt, were crystal and from Lourdes. The other set were wooden and from Fatima. A place of pilgrimage in Portugal. What are the chances of me feeling safe all day. Safe in the hands of the staff at the Royal and safe in the hands of that Taxi driver, as well as the HCA who went with me. I definitely think I was looked after that day. I was in safe hands and I know I will be when I go for my operation too. I know at times, I have been annoyed with certain NHS doctors and departments, because they do not understand my conditions I have, but so far, the opthalmology department in the Royal is excelent! I cannot fault them at all! Even the catering staff. They were all brilliant! People have asked me am I worried about my surgery? The answer is no. Why? Because I know I will be looked after no-matter what! I will have my rosary with me “as well, in my bag in my locker, but I know our lady and God will be giving the doctors the guidance and me the faith. I will never worry really about medical proceedures, as I have my faith. I know at the start of my very dramatic life being born at 26 weeks into this world, I was meant to be screened for ROP, my eye condition, but wasn’t. Yes, that was negligence on their part, but they saved my life. Prayer too saved my life. My Nan saved my life also. Many people along my life have helped me. Saved me from the grips of seizures. From the grips of depression, where I sometimes thought of ending my life, but couldn’t and didn’t. My faith stopped me. My friends stopped me. The thought of people missing me stopped me and the awful feelings I would feel if I overdosed on my meds. Which was my plan. I used to be scared of myself, of what I’d done in my violent outbursts. Wondered why I’d done it. What was going on with my brain! Demanded to know from my neurologist, who couldn’t help. Because he didn’t understand. No MRI scan or CT would really tell me, other than confirm, which they have, the ischaemia that is in my brain from when I was born, that most likely caused the epilepsy. I have opted to stay on Citalopram, for the safety of myself and others. It is helping me. All as I will say, is Thank you to those supporting me and those new who have joined me in my journy through life. To God for my strenth and faith. To our Lady and st Bernadette and Cecilia. I have been asked if I would ask for a miracle in Lourdes. Or walsingham. The answer is no. If God or Our Lady wants a miracle to happen for me, then it shall. If not, then it won’t, but I will not pray for one. I will not ask for one.