There’s no turning back now! I’ve paid for my entries. I’m sort of remembering that deja vu feeling of 5 years ago. The seriousness, the competition I am up against. The rehearsals with the accompanists. But this time, I’m not as confident as I was. All those years earlier.
For some reason, like an inspiration of mine, to go back to public performing in competition mode, is already filling me with anxiety! Even though it’s 3 months away. To put it bluntly, I’m terrified!
My voice has changed for the better, but I’m kind of having that old deja vu feeling again, of will my muscle memory let me down? The old worry of whether my mind will go blank and let me down! Right at the last minute. I know I shouldn’t worry about that. Tell myself that everything will be fine! I’m under the vocal care of a brilliant teacher, who has faith in me and confidence in me that I’m struggling to find.
I’m confident when singing in front of everyone in Liverpool. I know most of them and I’m not being judged. However, I’m going to be judged this time.
Every part of my technique will be unscrupulously examined with a fine tooth comb! Any mistakes, they will find them. Plus, there’s the fact people who will probably not find me the most popular person will be in the hall, listening. Not necessarily for me, but for who ever they’re supporting. But because they don’t like me they will no-doubt have something to say.
The people who I upset during my (for what of a better phrase, My breakdown) will probably be there. And now, I have to show them I’m different. Both vocally and mentally. A lot is at stake here, but not many will understand. Which is why I’m explaining it.
The answer to your question, do you get stage fright? Is yes. I’ve mentioned this in another post, but yes, I do. The rehearsal going right is the kiss of death for any performance in my view. As most of the time, that’s what has happened with me. I remember one performance I walked out, my eyes starting to brim with tears. I have no idea why. But they did. Another time at college, I was surrounded by boys who mocked my voice and I was very nearly going to pull out of the competition. But I only went and won it. The feeling of nervousness is all too familiar when onstage. It starts backstage. The heart rate is high, but it’s always high for me, so I’m used to that. The breathlessness and cough begins. You pace slightly while waiting in your room. People start fussing and altering your dresses, or hair at the last minute. The snappy edgy grumpy mood begins, where you push them away. All you want is to get it overwith. The tention in your body is so great your stomach is churning! But the clock is counting down. With in every tick Tick. Tick. Then, someone calls your name. You have to walk the walk. The spotlights next to you are very warm and you can feel the heat coming from them. But the room is silent. Waiting for you to sing. Standing there, shaking slightly, I take my breath, then start the piece. Eventually, once you’re past the first verse, you start to calm slightly. It’s sounding fine, so, you’re safe. Once people start applauding at the end, the overwhelming relief is palpable. I sort of stand there, buzzing! But with a slight welling of tears at the back of my eyes. Happiness though. I’ve got through it, the audience are happy, I made no mistakes, at least, not that I could hear. My technique did not let me down. My voice was not fatigued. I had no post-nasal discharge. But yes, if the day doesn’t go smoothly before-hand, I am very unsettled and that affects me too. So there’s your answer. You’d think we don’t get nervous before we sing, because, we know what we’re doing, right? Well, yes, but it’s not our ears listening. It’s the ears of the audience, who have paid to listen to you. They are who you must impress. They are who you must make happy. Give joy too! Hopefully, I will deliver this year, back from a 5 year hiatus. Thank you for the support from everyone who are continuing to follow me. Thank you to the new comers too! I hope you will find peace and enjoyment in my voice and my adventures too.
life in the darkness 