life in the darkness

Good afternoon all. I have just seen that Angelina Joli will be starring as Maria Callas in a new biopic. I’m very excited to watch that when it comes out. She was one of my inspirations. I looked up to her a lot when I first started to sing. When I was about 14 or 15 years-old. I have many CDs with her singing. I used to listen to her every day and try to take notice of her technique. Like me, we have a lot in common. She like me was very thin in stature. Like me, her own mental health went down the pan. Like a lot of artists. For some reason, it happens. I’m not sure why. I hope, if I do get noticed as a singer, and I do become professional, I will have the psychology degree to help me and others. I’ve not really spoken about this, but I will do so now. When I stopped singing altogether, back in 2017, I deliberately hid everything. I stopped listening to my favourite classical music. I stopped practising. I withdrew into myself. I had dropped to 34kg in weight. I was angry all the time, tired, depressed, having panic attacks because of my studies and generally just heading into a downward spiral. And it had no signs of slowing down. I was speeding down hill and I couldn’t put on the brakes! I would watch videos of me singing, or hear people commenting, saying how I looked lovely in the long ballroom gowns I wore. That was painful to hear! I wanted to get back to that. But I couldn’t. My voice was quite good back then. I heard it and was quite tearful It was in decline by this time. I was tired, my cords were tight all the time. I didn’t really know what to sing or where For 2 years, I had stopped singing. In 2019, when I went to Lourdes, someone had obviously been told, I was a classically trained singer. They asked me to sing. Oh God! I thought! There’s so many young people here, they will hate this. My style, is not theirs’! What can I do to get out of this! There was no getting out of it. I had no choice but to agree. They kept piling on the pressure, but for me in a good way. But I wasn’t to know this then. I finally agreed and waited for my call. My heart racing, wondering how I would sound, the nervous cough took hold as it always does. It’s a trademark with me. About 5 or 10 minutes before, I start coughing. And a load of phlegm starts to build. My throat dries up and I have to drink water. But that doesn’t really help. I knew my call was coming. What am I going to sound like? This will be aweful I’m sure of it! I hadn’t really warmed up but humidity was on my side! The heat of the evening sun was on my side. Slowly and with shakey legs I was guided up to the stage. I felt for the microphone stand and stood in position. Now I had to impress. I was back in the performance zone. No errors; No technique issues; It was time to sing. Slowly, I began to sing. The room was quiet, nothing could be heard other than the sound of my voice and perhaps a pin dropping somewhere. I finished singing and the room erupted with applause. I was shocked! Cheers filled the room and people were coming up congratulating me. Tears filled my eyes. I was then asked again and again throughout the pilgrimage to Lourdes! I now have a brilliant singing teacher who is helping me to strenthen my voice, back to its former glory as they say. I have made the decision to sing in the Manx music festival next year, but I know that will be nerve-racking. Infact, I know I will be terrified. People have asked me, do you get stage fright? The answer? Yes! I get extremely nervous before I go onstage. Although one wouldn’t know it when I start to sing. Although they perhaps noticed back in 2012 when I sang at a christmas concert in Hereford. I messed up and lost my place in the middle of the piece. Luckily, my best friend and accompanist, who I still work with virtually if necessary, was at the piano and had noticed. She is blind like me, but we have become almost an all in one machine so to speak. She knows my breathing, and knows when I’m struggling! This day, she stopped. Inside my head, I was scared! What the heck do I do? How can I fix this! This is a total disaster! I thought, right, the only thing I can do, is make a joke out of it. I said to the audience, Erm, I think I can do better than that! Surprisingly, they clapped and a few murmers of “aww.” could be heard! I was surprised. But afterwards, the diva came out in me! I rushed away, with tears building in my eyes! I felt anger at myself, at letting rachel down! At letting the audience down! The scathing reviews if they’d paid for it would have been horrible! I headed for my room, even though people were trying to speak to me. I pushed past and raced away! Slamming my door via a shoulder charge, I dissolved into tears! I then walked into Rachel’s room and said I’ve ruined everything! Giving me a huge hug, she calmed me down, and we both had a cup of tea. I still think of her as my other part to the team! Without her I couldn’t perform. She’s like my 5th lim when performing! Thank you so much Rachel! I love you as a friend and accompanist! But yes, I know next year will be scary! I have to get on with it though.