life in the darkness

On my old blog, many of you will remember, I did a 4 part set of posts about Lourdes. As my friends jetted off to Lourdes this year, I can’t help but remind myself of the beautiful time I had back in 2019!

I have those beautiful and treasured memories saved on my one-drive. I also have them backed up on a hard drive too! They will be memories I will never ever forget. The friends I made, the friendships I still have that are going strong! They have been for 3 and a half years!

The emotion onefeels when in Lourdes is extremely strange. One I cannot put into words really, but I will try. On arrival, I felt extremely tired and nervous, as I had almost fallen out of a two wheeled chair, I then fell asleep on the coach on the way to the st. Frai. The hospital come hotel where I would stay for the next 5 days of bliss! There were no rules, well, not like a hospital setting. I figured that out after a few minutes of being there. When I went in for tea, I burst into tears. Someone asked me why I was upset but I couldn’t explain! It wasn’t upset. I wasn’t sad. It was a strange feeling. Rather like a mix of joy and overwhelmed. I was here, I was in Lourdes. The place of miracles and heeling. Not that I was expecting one, because I didn’t come to Lourdes for a cure. I didn’t come to Lourdes expecting a miracle. If it would happen, it would happen, but not because I asked or prayed for it. It would be because God decided on it. Or because Our Lady decided on it.

The next day was the blessed Sacrament procession. This is where the host, what one has every weekend or day of mass when one takes communion, is exposed and you process toward it. This time, it would be in the subterranean basilica. As we were wheeled down the tunnel, I could hear the echo growing ever stronger and the singing coming closer. In our chairs, we were wheeled into a vast space which was wide and it seemed, never ending. The organ vibrated through your whole body. The reverb carrying the beautiful singing of both the soloist and the choir. I burst into tears yet again. I couldn’t explain what I felt, but all I could say, was this is beautiful. Tears flowing from my eyes, I listened and took in the sound and smell of in-sense. I was very moved and happy, but it was a happiness I couldn’t explain! It was beyond words. Only something I could feel and let out through tears.

The torch light procession was the same. This time, while singing a hymn called Immaculate Mary, we processed down the square towards the basilica, again wheeled in our chairs by the assistants who do a fabulous job, with candles in our hands. Holding the candles, we raised them into the sky in the chorus, like a beacon of light, that shone all around us. A never ending stretch of light! I can’t see it, but I can imagine it was beautiful. Yet again, my eyes filled with tears! I don’t know what it was that made me cry, but something did! It was like someone, somewhere was letting me feel what everyone was seeing. Through their eyes. But I felt it through my tears and my heart. Like someone was there, letting me feel the light, rather than see it. As if I was almost looking down on everyone from above. But I was there in my chair. Holding a candle with everyone else, raising it into the sky high above us. The sun set around us too, which probably made it look more beautiful and magnificent. That night, while there were trolls still trolling me on social media, complaining about why I was in a chair, nothing bothered me! I was not nervous, I was not scared of anything. My worries about that, about every day general things had gone! I was in Lourdes! I could let go of everything! Everything would take care of itself. The row I had with my nan the week before Lourdes, that was delt with and would be resolved. All I had to do, was have faith. My illnesses would be diagnosed in the future, my pots and IST, which we suspected I had by this time, would be confirmed and I would be vindicated. Again, all I had to do, was have faith.

The boiling hot sticky nights would be ended by a violent thunderstorm, which unfortunately I wouldn’t be there for, but the night before, as I went onto the terrace for the last time, a rumble of thunder. A storm I had been praying for all week, had broken. Our Lady of Lourdes giving me what I prayed for. I bought some holy water from Lourdes and since then, have given it to 2 people who I know will benefit from it. I really hope it’s helping them. God willing I get to Lourdes in 2023. I picked the name Bernadette in my confirmation for a reason. I love caring for people. Helping them when they need it most! That’s what you do in Lourdes! Apart from enjoy yourself. It was Lourdes that showed me I had to convert to catholicism and in october 2019, that is exactly what I did. My godmothers both stood behind me but at my side. They have helped and mentored me ever since! For that, I thank them! I thank my friends who I have met in Lourdes, for always sticking by me and helping me. Most of all, for allowing me to be part of their lives! Our little family! Thank you all and thank you Lourdes. I really hope next year, I will return. I am praying every day that I do. Here’s to Lourdes 2023 pilgrimage.