life in the darkness

Sitting in the garden with my cup of tea. I didn’t expect the presents I received when I was at church yesterday. It was very kind and a lovely surprise. To be given a little rosary that you hold in your hands on your finger and a little miraculous meddal. I did have one somewhere, with the story about it but I can’t exactly remember where I’ve put it. It’s probably in my little box with the others that I’ve kept from my baptism, confirmation and first holy communion presents. Or it may be in one of my boxes of rosary beeds. I have quite a lot of them because I love the different types you can get. I always wear my rosary from Lourdes when I need that extra bit of help or reassurance for something. The first time I ever thought about converting to catholicism was in 2008 when I went on a cruise to Rome, where I went into the Vatican and bought some rosary beeds. I’d felt a set of rosary beeds in an R.E. class at school and I asked the teacher about them. She didn’t say much, other than they were for Catholics to count the beeds when praying. I loved the feel of them and wanted some for myself. One day, a taxi escort who picked me up from school said to me on the way there, she had a surprise for me. She’d heard me mentioning rosary beeds and found some in her house. They were given to her as a gift from Rome by a friend who had gone there. She knew something I had never voiced, my anxiety about going into school. Because of the support worker I had who was not very nice. That’s another story, but she gave me the beeds and I slipped them into the inside pocket of my school blazer and went into school. With the anxiety building. I just squezed the beeds in my pocket with my fingers every now and then. I felt quite reassured and calmer. Eventually, knowing she would not see them, I wore them round my neck and held the crucifix close to my heart. I went into exams knowing I was going to be okay. Knowing I could handle anything that came my way. When my singing adventures started, I wore them then too. They kept me calm during my concerts, and I wasn’t as nervous. I managed to get through the songs and arias with no errors. So in 2019, when I went to Lourdes, I’d just started my RCIA instruction. At first I was a bit dubious. Hmm, should I? Should I go ahead? It was Lourdes that showed me the answer. It was Our Lady and St. Bernadette that most likely gave me the guidance. By giving me a very good mentor, who is now one of my Godmothers. Yes, I went the whole hog and took two of them. The ceremony in october 2019 was a day I’ll never forget. The shower of welcome and acceptance was something I had never really felt for a long long time. The church has helped me and still does to this day. Through lockdown, I was helped, through some of the lows in my life over the last few years, Yes, to some it sounds daft, but I have turned to my faith. Have used my rosary when I was in bed, or in my room, sobbing uncontrollably and inconsolable. Have squeezed them almost to breaking point. But I’ve been calmed down. From the inconsolable state I was in. I was calmed. I was able to think. And by the power of prayer, and my own thinking, I was able to try and sort things. What ever it was. Yes, I’ve made mistakes, but I’m getting slightly better at sorting them. I hope. This year, I’m going to Walsingham. A place I have never been too, but thanks to the generocity of the parishioners in Liverpool, I’ve been invited to go. Again, what will I find? How will I feel? Will I end up opening the flood gates like I did in Lourdes? Who knows. I don’t know what will happen. I do know however, that I will enjoy it. I hope everyone is well and enjoying the sun. Have a good day all.