life in the darkness

The following post contains talk of suicidal thoughts and depression, so scrole past if it triggers you.

Lockdown was a particularly bad time for us all. I however, didn’t know that my mental health was spiralling. If someone wasn’t happy with what I’d said online, I used to go on at them and not back down. Until they were backed into a corner. I used to get very angry at things and not know why. I would struggle with empathy and things. I still struggle with empathy at times. And have to have things expained before I understand them. The first fiew months of Lockdown 1, I thought, oh yes. I can deal with this. I’ve got Fb, twitter etc. I’ll be okay. But then, in April 2020, I lost a friend whom had been friends with me for 12 years. That was almost like a death! To me. Yes, I’d told him I hoped his new relationship between him and his girlfriend wouldn’t last. Because I thought she was creepy and he wouldn’t listen. It turns out, I was right. Anyway, Eventually, he decided to terminate the friendship. That was a friend who had stood by me, through thick and thin, as had I for him. At one point, I thought we would actually make a good couple, but sadly, that wasn’t to be. I started to lose other friends too. Another who I’d been friends with for about 6 years. Everything and everyone around me was just imploding. I was angry about that, I was panicking because I wanted to try and get those people to become friends with me again. I was making new friends, but losing them. People were blocking me for no reason, at least, I believed that. But they wouldn’t tell me why. It was kind of like everyone was rejecting me, one after the other! I was isolating myself and I didn’t realise this. I was having arguments that spiraled out of control with those I loved! My world was just imploding and crashing down before me. It was then, that a friend of mine who I met through another friend in Liverpool, suggested I have therapy. At first, I rejected the idea. Me? Therapy? I don’t need that rubbish, I thought! I’m not depressed, or anxious, or weak! That was for weak people! Were my thoughts. But one day, it came to a peek. I’d just had a very bad rage outburst and physically lashed out at someone. Someone I love dearly. And that was it for me. I went upstairs. It was nearly 8 PM, clap for carers time. Normally, I’d go out, but not today. Instead, I felt alone! I felt disstraught. Because of what I’d done! I didn’t know why I’d done it. I didn’t know what had caused it. The whole thing was a blur. People tried to ask me: What provoked it. What started it? I couldn’t remember! I couldn’t remember much of anything! Time had frozen and it was just still. Stillness except the replay of one moment. The moment I lashed out. The moment I didn’t want to be replayed. It was like a loop going round and round in my brain! The sound, the Feel of adrenalin! And now, the low hit. I was alone. I had lost all my friends and some family. Friends who had stuck by me for 12 years. Others who wanted to help me, but I pushed them away! SO it was time to end it myself. I thought. If they’re all rejecting me, then they’re better off without me. I had everything at my disposal. My meds, I could take all of the pills in my boxes. I could take nans too. I knew where they were. So… Why not. But something stopped me. Something that kept telling me no! You can’t do that. You wouldn’t have the guts. You’d feel crappy afterwards. People would be upset. Your church family would be upset. Your Godmothers who love you, would be heartbroken. Your nan would be heartbroken. There’s that voice, but then there’s the voice that said: Why would they be? They keep rejecting me all the time. I’ve lost friends, family etc. What’s the point of trying? At that point, I was in a conflict of thoughts. Between the rational and the irrational. It’s a case of trying to pull yourself out of the irrational grip! Believe me, it’s hard. THIS was before I’d started speaking to my lovely friend Lynn again. I think I’d also broken friends with another good friend of Mine, Daisy, but I can’t remember. At least now, we’ve all rekindled our friendships! But now it was time to ring for help. The next morning, I picked up the phone and rang the GP surgery. I managed to get an appointment. We spoke about my brain haemorrhage and that although there was no evidence of it showing on the surface on the MRI scan, it could be microscopic damage left behind. The GP put me on citalopram, and then put me on the list for therapy, which was a 11 month wait! I knew I could not wait that long, so I did my research. I found a brain injury specialist counsellor, Katie Carroll. She’s absolutely lovely. The problem was, there was a cost. Eventually, after writing to my local church, I was helped with the cost of a few sessions. The church family had come to my rescue, As I knew and know now, they still would. And I have total faith in that. The therapy commenced and I started to grow. I expect most of that was down to being lonely. Because of lockdown. I couldn’t go to my normal places, because of covid. There was the worry about catching covid. There was of course, the mental health issues I never really knew I had. Depression being one of them. I’m sorry to the people I upset. For the rages that we now know are part of the brain injury affects and the epilepsy. My neuro thinks they could have possibly been some kind of seizure related thing. Although he’s not sure. He thinks that because of the impaired memory afterwards. Things are looking up now though. A lot! I’m on citalopram long-term, but that doesn’t matter. As long as it’s keeping my moods stable and the rages at bay. Which it is. I’m okay with that. I’m building new friendships. Learning to trust people more. Building family relationships with my mum which is awesome! Helping other people. As well as this, Me and Lynn are meeting in september! I’m so excited about that! I cannot wait! I guess this mental health post does talk about loneliness in some ways and again trauma in others. It also talks about suicidal thoughts. And plans of suicide attempts, which thank God, I never did. Yes, I’ve been there. I’ve thought about ending things on more than one occasion, but I’m far from that now. I still get little blips every now and then, when I’m feeling down about something, but I talk to Lynn, and she helps me through them, by distracting me and getting me to talk to her. Our card games we play are also good distraction techniques when one of us is upset, because we have to think about where we are on the board, in relation to the computer bot. What we’re going to do, as well as the general knowledge questions. Yes, sighted people can play these games too. Just go too: http://www.qcsalon.net and make an account, which is free. I hope this post can help someone somewhere. Part 4 tomorrow. xx