Lately, I’ve been going through a rough time. My moods have been up and down. From happy, to suicidally low! Take last night for example. I was really happy, as I was listening to my favourites among the classical world of singing. Maria Callas, who was and still is, a soprano who I idolise. She died in the 1970s, but her voice is still admired and adored by milions. I enjoyed her singing but then, something happened last night which I will not go intoo that changed my mood from happy, to angry and sad in a few minutes. I went upstairs, to put my phone on charge and do some of my physiotherapy exercises. It was while looking for the band that I have to put round my knees, that what happened, happened. Afterwards, I was struggling. I felt a strange sense of pain. Hearing myself singing, remembering the concerts I used to do. My singing lessons. The dresses I still have, but can’t wear, because of my weight. It was painful. Very very painful. As well as that, I was hurt. Because the trolls had struck again! ; Imagining myself singing, was too much. I hated the sound of my singing voice. My nan tells me often to practise. I want too, but… They don’t ask me to sing, I have no accompanist. So, where does that leave me? I can’t learn new repertoire in the classical world, as you need guidance, when it comes to opera. What arias are too big for you, as well as what aren’t. Whether they are for a dramatic soprano fach (category) or not. The voice in singing has different vocal fachs. (categories.) Soprano, Tenor, Mezzo, Baritone, Alto, bass-baritone and bass. Within those categories, there are sub-categories. Soprano has Soubrette, (light soprano voice which is pure.) Lyric, which is my fach. A fragile voice that needs to be trained and taken extra care of. While it’s developing. It does not reach maturity, until 40. Dramatic, a soprano who is usually on the heavy side in weight, and tends to sing all the german operas as well as some high brow verdi. Like Aida. Of course, you have the last category, Wagnerian. A soprano in their own class. Again, heavy in weight, very dramatic hard timbre to their voice and exclusively sings Wagner. Although, they can sing other rolls too.
Anyway, after explaining all this: Here I was. Sitting here in mental pain. I really want to practise my singing, but it is hard to listen too. I was good: Very good. I still am I guess, but it’s the fact that not many people ask me these days, And… I’m limited to places, because I can’t travel on the bus, because of the roadworks going on right now. I’m also scared because of Covid. So here we are. I was sad, angry and just generally down. Why are people trying to make my life hell? Sitting in bed, I held my rosary. Listening to Ave Maria sung By Maria Callas, I burst into tears. I get how she felt. Betrayal,, Deceit. Lies, Oh yes, I understand that. Maria obviously had it much worse than I did, but I get how she felt. It’s like you’re a total mess and whatever you do, however you do it, just isn’t good enough. And I know in my heart I’m trying hard, I’m getting good university grades now. I know I have people who care about me, will support me and who love me, within the church family. I said to my godmother yesterday, Thank you for being my godmother. It’s very hard, when you’re constantly looking over your shoulders, metaphorically speaking. Wondering what damage the trolls are going to do next. But for now, I shall practise my singing, every sunday like I used too, then build up gradually. I’m going to learn the song we’re doing for virtual choir. I just have to try and tell myself that life will get better. I have my counselling tomorrow, so I’ll talk to her about things.
life in the darkness 