I have postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome, ehlers-danlos sydrome, total blindness, epilepsy, and asthma. I am an Open University psychology student. Very much wanting to help those with acquired brain injury like myself. I hope you enjoy my adventures. I also have a podcast, and youtube as I am a classically trained singer, as well as an acoustic shooter.
After a few days, I decided, that I’m no-longer going to hide. After 10 plus years of writing a blog: Dreams in Darkness, i had to delete it, much to my disappointment. This was due to constant abuse from trolls. What are trolls? People who deliberately go out of their way to cause pain and suffering. Both with mental and physical health. Physical health, which is caused by the mental distress. All to do with the biological stress response. I shall go into that later.
During Lockdown last year, when the covid pandemic hit, I had to come off social media temporarily. This was due to my mental health, which I had no idea was declining severely. I thought lockdown was okay, yes, we were isolated in the house, but the sun was shining. It was fun, because things were different. We were in a period I’d never known before. I don’t mind change, but sometimes, I do not realise that actually, my brain does mind it. After I came off facebook and twitter, my mental health got worse. It got worse, because I was isolated. Yes, I had my phone, I could text people etc, but I couldn’t participate in the local radio station quizzes, as most were only on social media and the radio was really, all we had for company. The television was okay, but we mainly had the radio on for the government briefings and major messages that came through. My friend for 12 years, had just walked, so I was grieving. Grieving for a friendship I’d had for 12 years and had now lost. I did not realise how this was going to affect me, but it did. Severely. After consulting with my GP, who explained to me that this was a knock-on affect of the brain injury I susstained as a premature baby, (a brain haemorrhage) he came up with a plan: counselling. However, the waiting list was long and I did not have time to wait. I was struggling, at times suicidal. Wanting to self-harm, by hitting my head against walls, overdosing on my medication. I was in dyer need of help. In the meantime, I did some research, finding headway, the brain injury association. Having explained to them my situation, and how I was feeling, they put me in touch with my local branch, which was not in the Isle of man. They have helped me a lot and I really enjoy the zoom meetings. I also found a brain injury specialist counsellor, who is also helping me. I am still in therapy, as they say, and am also studying towards an open university degree in psychology. My main struggles with my brain injury, is social interaction and processing things, like boundaries. I struggle with them. I also have anger issues and lack of insight, in that I struggle to accept sometimes that I’ve done something wrong. It takes me a while to understand it. I sometimes cannot remember the full details of what happened to cause the wrong thing as well, so things become difficult. I am now on citalopram and have been for a year now. Without them, I’d be struggling with mood swings. I have made a few new friends, through lockdown. My life is slowly getting better. I hope. This will now be my new blog site, as well as facebook. I shall add the link later if I can learn how. I find blogging theraputic. I must go now and try to edit the rest of this site, as well as doing my university work. Hope everyone who follows me has a good day.
life in the darkness 
Anyone who would like to contact me can do so via the contact link on my website – https://globalbia.org/contact-us/
I am certainly not here to provide you all ego ammunition but am happy to help you all see that trolling Samantha this way is neither conducive to your own well being or mental health and neither is it a good use of my time.
As Samantha’s friend I will always offer her my heart-felt support. I have to say that it really sickens me to my stomach to witness her being hounded and bullied in this way. Not only does she not deserve it, but from my objective perspective all of you should be wholly ashamed of yourselves for picking on someone who is clearly living with many cognitive and physical challenges.
While I understand the psychology behind people who consciously and persistently choose to persecute vulnerable people purely for their own entertainment, what I am failing to understand is why all of you, as adults, persist when you are fully aware of how cruel you are being. Studies show that people who are unemployed and did not achieve a high school education are most likely to exhibit the kind of behaviour I am observing here.
The alternative to this is to consider unresolved childhood trauma which does not manifest in an excuse for diabolical behaviour but does certainly need addressing professionally for those who are unable to measure the impact of unsocial behaviour on themselves and others.
If you are not aware of the cruelty and socially repulsive behaviour you are exhibiting by continuing to bombard this wonderful and well-intentioned blog site then you definitely need to seek a referral for specialist psychological help via your GP.
George – I am wondering what motivated you to say to Samantha, “To make it look like you have friends… but you don’t.” Also, “Looks like you just committed Fraud again by pretending to be someone else.”
You don’t need my ‘direct’ details. The contact link to connect with me is in the link above. Are you really someone called ‘George’ – if so why not use your legal surname as well so that I can identify you?
Only you know what your intention was behind what are sadly ridiculously childish comments and I am really interested in finding out what that was your intention? Once we have established this I can make suggestions to help you improve your self-control, learn about self-responsibility, and understand how external perspectives of behaviour feed back to us in either positive or negative ways. There are many mentally healthy tactics and skills I can teach you. If you would like help with learning new skills please do contact me via the link above.
Matilta – It might be in your interests to learn to pause before you make assumptions. For information purposes I wanted to let you know that intellectual and self-aware people practice cognizant behaviour management through research prior to making assumptions and false judgements that they know would only make them look stupid. If you would like some help with learning these types of skills please get in touch with me via the above link.
Also Matilta user name, you haven’t contacted me and therefore your comment is clearly meant to manipulate as lies always have this basis to their use. I can help you to learn about being true to yourself so that you can build your self-esteem.
SW – If you don’t enjoy or find value in Samantha’s blogs please pause and ask yourself what motivates you to be rude to her? Try to stop and think about why you use your time and energy purely with the intention of causing upset to another person. Think about what this says about you and then think about how embarrassed you should be when someone like me can see what kind of behaviour you choose to exhibit!
I am sure there are valuable ways you could use your time that not only benefit you or other people. As a society we all have the responsibility to contribute in positive ways to the communities around us. If you would like help with learning how to do this please do contact me via the link above.
I have advised Samantha to reinstate comments so that I can address each of the user names and have before, and will do again, advise her to delete everything once I have commented back to each of you. No one would want vile and unfitting comments on their blog page. Honest opinions or even misguided ones are one thing but the behaviour exhibited here is blatant harassment (illegal), trolling (also illegal) and bullying – socially unacceptable to all decent people. Certain behaviours are made illegal for specific reasons SW – it means that the responsible population will not tolerate petty and psychopathic behaviour. People who know how to behave properly, maturely and appropriately create laws to send a message to people who are unaware of acceptable social norms.
TEST TEST – I only have one email account. It seems that you have time on your hands and perhaps struggle with knowing or understanding how to use this wisely or with good purpose.
You haven’t sent anything to me and so again, we see a demonstration of lying to manipulate and intentionally bully. This really is not healthy behaviour and impacts not only Samantha but everyone else who is trying to live a healthy and positive life. Consider what you are contributing to the well being of the quantum world which is affected by every negative thing you do and say.
As I said to the username Matilta: – I am sure there are valuable ways you could use your time that not only benefit you or other people. As a society we all have the responsibility to contribute in positive ways to the communities around us. If you would like help with learning how to do this please do contact me via the link above.
Further for you TEST TEST – name calling is not only considered an immature use of language but is also indicative of poor standards of education. I can send you links for adult education and help you become more self-aware and to build your critical thinking and higher-order thinking skills. learning about self-regulation would also have positive benefits for you.
Dr Investigation – I haven’t heard from you. I am more than happy to help you understand the impact of your poor use of cognizant and social skills.
DrCaughtYouOut – Please pause and consider how you are using your time. Consider the damage you are doing to yourself without actually achieving anything positive for you or anyone else. If you would like to learn about the causes of social ineptness and lack of self-worth please use the contact link I have given above.
Dr Right – the use of intentionally abusive language and insults only serves to show who you are – it doesn’t have any impact on people who have the self-confidence or support to understand that your comments only speak about you.
The Bogus ‘Michele Kauffman – I know this isn’t the ‘real’ Michele because I am fully aware I haven’t had any discussion with her so when you accuse Samantha of creating fake accounts you really need to consider your own choices about how you communicate first. Michele would also not be so unprofessional – I can absolutely assure you of that!
You have tried to be clever and I am struggling not to turn my lip up at you in disgust! That would be a natural response but the professional one can only see just how much help you desperately need. I can help you learn to bring out any good aspects of your personality so that you can feel good about yourself. I realise that it wouldn’t be the norm for you but I can promise you that building your self-esteem will turn your life around.
DR CAUGHTYOUOUT – if I could find out who you are I would certainly report you to the police for trolling.
DR CHEESEBURGER – while I have absolutely no intention of becoming embroiled in any petty argument with you I will tell you that as you well know Samantha hasn’t done anything wrong. However, the childish behaviour you are exhibiting really does meet the criminal standards for trolling which really leaves me thinking you are the pot calling the kettle black!
Being seen for who you really are isn’t so much fun is it!
S W
November 18, 2021 / 21:57
ITS NOT ME! Fucking hell. You won’t accept the ones where I state it’s not me commenting on different accounts.
What can’t you accept when I say it’s not me. I DO NOT LIE, I do not hide.
‘It’s not me,’ is a double negative which means this is me! I can send you some links for English language skills if you like. Swearing and expletives are never necessary for people who have the cognitive capacity for self-control. I can also send links to help you learn politeness and social skills which I am sure you will agree would be a huge benefit to you.
It seems to me that SW you do protest too much! If you don’t understand the connotation of that please let me know and I will explain further.
ACTUALLYCHRONICALLYILL
November 18, 2021 / 22:53
I HAVE TRIED BUT I HAD NO RESPONSE WHICH TELLS ME YOURE NOT ANNIE
No you haven’t tried to contact me and I have to say that anything coming from someone who doesn’t use their own name would be treated as spam by me. I will look out for something from a ‘Frankie’ though and am more than happy to help you as long as you are committed to being honest and helping yourself.
What I would like you all to understand is that whilst I am willing to help you and to lead you in the right direction to get the help you need, I am only doing any of this to bring an end to the fruitless trolling that you are using to entertain yourself. All the time I spend on all of you is all the time I am not helping people who are going through trauma right now.
Anything you do to Samantha, I can assure you I will be here to support her throughout so please do take a moment to think about the selfish aspects of trolling – taking time from professional helpers to suit your own neediness and ends. That in itself is socially unacceptable behaviour and should create feelings of shame. If you don’t feel shame you definitely need psychiatric help which you can access via a referral from your GP.
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Okay people/person!
I think you have all gone far enough!
I know you will read this through to the end – you won’t be able to help yourself!
For starters I am fully aware that other than Samantha and I the rest of you (or perhaps ‘just’ you) are hiding who you really are. There are laws about what you are doing but as you well know it can be time consuming for the police to address vicious trolls. Try and think about why these laws exist as this may be insightful for you and you may be bale to process your inappropriate behaviour to a level of self-realisation – something you clearly and desperately need.
People who act the way you are struggle with getting pleasure any other way so you lie, cheat, manipulate, bully and behave with cruelty in a desperate attempt to project how you really feel about yourself out to the world. Your feelings of worthlessness and self-loathing can be addressed in positive and productive ways – you don’t have to seek attention by being spiteful.
I don’t feel pity for you but I do understand how empty, worthless, unloved and depraved you feel inside. There is specialist help you can seek so that you don’t have to stay being this way. You are incapable of any kind of joy other than what you have brainwashed yourself into believing is pleasurable – there are lots of experts who can help you with this. Your GP can refer you.
What your behaviour says about who you are choosing to be is really something you need to think about. Whichever way you look at it this kind of spiteful behaviour hurts you far more than it ever hurts anyone else. I am really surprised that you aren’t overcome with embarrassment and I guess the fact that you aren’t confirms that you really should seek help and guidance from your GP in the first instance.
You know when you get those pangs of worry about what you did and you feel guilty about allowing the nasty side of you to get the better of you that you really should listen to these feelings – especially if you are also being bullied and manipulated into joining in with this .
If you aren’t under duress then you need to understand that you are caught in a self-perpetuating vicious circle of negative behaviour and until you start to properly listen to the emotional feedback your body is providing you will never be able to break this self-destructive pattern of behaviour.
You might struggle to notice these pangs or feelings are actually shame and guilt due to emotional and intellectual ignorance but you are probably very well habituated to blocking this self-feedback which is really there as a way for you to learn to help yourself.
Try to think about the way you have consciously chosen to behave. Is this really who you want to be? A GP will be able to refer you to a specialist who will be able to diagnose and personality disorder or perhaps you heal wounds from trauma you yourself have suffered.
Everything you do and say infers exactly who you are and who you are being and whether you understand the damage this is doing to you or not, you still have to live with yourself in the full knowledge of what you have done and what you are still doing.
Making fun of other people, consciously choosing to try and frighten and worry anyone, let alone people who are vulnerable, is despicable behaviour.
Since you clearly have serious trouble with self-regulation and controlling yourself I am able to easily assess that you have serious psychiatric and behavioural issues which you really should seek professional help for.
One day you will look back at these times and your stomach will knot up. If you wouldn’t want your grandparents to know what you are doing then this is a very good indication that you shouldn’t be doing it.
Try committing to an act of kindness and compare how this makes you feel to how being a troll makes you feel. You might find that it opens your eyes and allows you to process and be cognizant of who you are and what you have done.
Don’t turn your attention to another victim – if you want to talk and can see that I understand you please get in touch. I am more than happy to offer whatever positive support that I can.
Please be aware though that I will not tolerate disrespect but will help you find ways towards healing and caring about yourself again.
Hopefully I will have said something here that will help you to want to leave Samantha alone. Whether this is one troll or a little group of you, more damage is being done to you than you can identify or understand – another indicator that you need professional help.
I am transparent and honest – as is Samantha and I am aware that what you see in people like us can cause fits of jealousy and rage. However, the ‘trick’ is not to listen to this primal self-harming urges and to instead try and rise above them to be a better version of you than you are being.
You are wasting peoples’ time and energy and while this might seem like a good game to you, or may be the only way that you can get attention, the fact of the matter is that you, and you alone, are responsible for feeling good about yourself. You will never get there all the time you waste your own time and energy playing childish and immature games.
In your experience there are certainly memories of being ignored, of feeling a huge sense of a lack of self-worth and intense loneliness that is emotionally painful to you. Why would you consciously choose to try and inflict that on another person? One thing is for sure, this is exactly what you are doing!
Another thing that might help you is a return to education to improve your intellectual base and also to seek careers guidance from your local employment centre. Anything that you can do to help yourself to improve your self-esteem will not only better your life but will also improve your relationship with yourself and other people.
Other suggestions:
You can also use your time on the internet in positive ways by seeking information about victim mentality and behaviour, how to self-heal and understand your neediness, and ask questions like why do I get pleasure from bullying innocent and vulnerable people.
You know where to reach me. Please also know that I do not tolerate lies. Best of luck to you as you try and turn your life around!
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I have had the enormous pleasure of getting to know Samantha over the last year and find her to be dedicated to getting to know herself better, incredibly warm, open and honest and she bursts with enthusiasm for helping others and rolled up with a bright and funny sense of humour.
I have seen Samantha misjudged and cruelly exploited and bullied; in the main this deprecating behaviour has come from people who insist they know more about acquired brain injury than those who live with it and, indeed, those who specialise in treating it and support those who struggle with the overwhelming issues it causes.
I love to read Samantha’s blogs and to keep up with how she is getting on. She inspires me with her tenacity and immensely pleasing wit, honesty and innate sweetness of the soul.
Thank you Samantha!
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